The Divine Shift: From Chaos to Connection
The ultimate key was total spiritual connection—a deliberate minimizing of the world’s influence to maximize God’s voice. Grace revealed that He had been with me through every nightmare, moving with purpose. Where doubt once lingered, a miraculous revelation arrived to resolve every sadness, heartache, anger, regret, and guilt, providing a single, universal answer.
The combination of clinical mental health tools and absolute spiritual surrender was transformative. Initially, panic attacks felt like death; the second attack revealed their root causes; subsequent ones built incremental progress, connecting me to this moment and to Him. These weren’t random tragedies but strategic events. Each crisis was a lesson, posturing me for the next, culminating in total connection.
Tools of the Trade: Transforming the Struggle
Mania-induced psychosis and anxiety-driven panic attacks were hell, yet they were converted into divine tools. God allowed these experiences to teach and fortify me, guiding the creation of a hybrid mental-spiritual health strategy.
Two physical anchors ground this strategy:
- "Know Thyself": Though not biblical, this mantra became central after years of treatments and near-death episodes. Tattooed on my arm, it reminds me to reflect on endured trials, bolster my resolve, prompt necessary pauses, and manage my bipolar predispositions.
- "Calm": Another tool comes from my late friend Keith. The word "Calm," tattooed in his handwriting, serves as a lifeline. In overwhelming moments, his voice echoes through the ink, connecting me spiritually and shedding the darkness.
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Hollow Victories: The Weight of Rage
For years, survival led only to empty triumphs and fueling frustration. I achieved superficial goals—dream cars, wealth, motorcycles, exquisite travel, Michelin-star dining—but found no joy. My ex-wife’s manipulation estranged my children, turning beloved holidays and family events into sources of hatred. Life became shades of gray; joy vanished. I raged, screaming at the sky, asking why I was pulled from death’s door only to endure prolonged agony.
Heavy music and intense gym sessions were the only outlets for my manic rage. My body carried electric tension for decades—jaw clenched, chest tight, heart set in concrete. Self-pity surged: “Why me? Haven’t I suffered enough?” Work lost fulfillment; passions like food, sex, and travel dulled. Booze and drugs held no appeal. This was my mental state entering the first revelation.
The Break and the Shift: Divine Revelation
In Hawaii, the emotional dam finally cracked. I hadn’t cried in three years, having locked my heart away for survival. But there, I became an emotional wreck, feeling God’s presence pressing in amidst dark forces. Reflecting on my failures as a father, I relived my first trauma at age nine, recognizing it as the domino that started it all. My sadness deepened, but the ground was being prepared.
The breakthrough—The Shift—unfolded the next weekend in San Diego.
During an existential, out-of-body psychotic state, God met me. I saw all my psychiatric and emotional episodes not as sickness, but as a grand design: tools to manage a powerful brain. The "God View" revealed two planes: the bright heavens with God, Jesus, and a glowing cross; and the earth, swarmed by dark demons disrupting Christ’s connection. I saw His presence in every step. I was never alone.
The Figure-8 and The Cross
- The Loop: My first panic attack was terror. The second visualized its cause—an infinite "figure-8" loop of panic.
- The Victory: Later attacks revealed a radiant cross shattering this loop. My cross necklace, resting atop the chain, symbolized the cross dominating the figure-8. Casting out darkness in His name, I felt black smoke leave my body. Suffering stemmed not from hate, but from love.
Back home, The Shift connected past events as divine planning. Each manic-panic episode was a lesson, transforming pain into purpose. I abandoned old sins, wept, and clutched my cross necklace, fully surrendered. I heard the words, “Welcome back, we’ve missed you,” and felt zero doubt. Confessing as a "Trash Christian," I learned that societal constructs don’t matter—only the heart. Demons were allowed to test me, forging my character through trials by fire. My mind, quiet for the first time in decades, found peace.
Biblical Anchors for Trials
Scripture aligns perfectly with this journey of endurance:
Romans 5:3-4 > "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope."
My pain built endurance, character, and unshakeable hope, shaping me to be more like Jesus.
James 1:2-4 > "Count it all joy… when you meet trials… for the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."
Joy lies in the purpose of the trial, building perseverance.
1 Peter 4:12-13 > "Do not be surprised at the fiery trial… But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings."
Hardship is the bridge that connects us to Him.
Transformed Living: The New Reality
The Shift brought profound changes. I now write tirelessly, viewing old traumas as testimonies of God’s plan. Anxiety and manic stress have vanished; the jaw grinding has ceased. God’s soft whisper of "Caaaallm" has replaced the rage.
My bipolar "black-and-white" lens flipped from gloom to light. My mind is quiet, controlled by grace. I am kind and patient, with no desire for rage-fueled music.
When hopelessness asked why there was no gradual relief, God replied, “You know absolutes—black/white, true/false.” The attacks enabled an existential float, drawing me closer to Him. I begged Jesus to use my story to help others.
Spiritual Catalyst: The "One Click" Moment
For years, my life was a cycle of tribulation and rebuilding. I would find God-given fortitude exactly when I needed to push through, only to crash again. After so many recoveries, I felt hollow. I felt it was all for naught.
The Cost of Fortitude I survived Fentanyl addiction, Bipolar 1, the heartbreaking loss of children, strained family dynamics, and disintegration of my mental and physical health. I had built extreme resilience, but I was plagued by one question: For what? What was the intent behind this suffering?
The Shift Then, a single night struck like pure spiritual lightning.
It started weeks prior, when I was forced to confront a complete timeline of my trauma from age nine. At the time, this offered no comfort—only pain. Yet, it was the necessary groundwork for what happened on September 27th.
The God Lens The spiritual reveal was profound. I began to see the world through a new filter—a "God Lens."
- The Past: I saw my years of pain, rejection, and rushed decisions (UCI, Kristen) not as mistakes, but as a timeline of divine influence.
- The Realization: I saw exactly where God’s hand had been moving in the unseen dimensions.
I may be broken and exhausted, but I am no longer purposeless. I am filled with peace and a certainty that it was all for a reason. In an instant, hate turned to profound love. All my pain turned to PURPOSE.
Here is the updated Markdown. I have corrected spelling and punctuation errors while keeping your verbiage, tone, and capitalization choices exactly as they are. I also organized the headers to make the document easier to scan.
The Spiritual CLICK...
The 2025 Perspective: The Spiritual Bomb
September 28, 2025. It took years of chaos—mania, psychosis, trauma—to get me here. Saturday night was a spiritual bomb. Heavy, undeniable, straight-from-God. Every panic attack, every breakdown, every dark moment was connected. It wasn’t random. I asked God, “Why save me from near-death over and over just to let me rot like this?” I was pissed—at Him, at everything. But looking back at the wreckage, I see the pattern. My "rock bottoms" always had a trap door where I would find myself in a worse situation. I connected in a way I couldn't think possible and in turn, everything changed! I saw the world through a completely NEW lens, what I coined "God Zoom." I was Broken, damaged, restored without purpose—but NOW filled with peace, hope and a true belief that all the tribulations were for a reason. The Bible talks about suffering of His people:
- Job's trials: Job 1:21 (NIV) - "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
- Righteous afflictions: Psalm 34:19 (NIV) - "The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all."
- Joseph's betrayal: Genesis 50:20 (NIV) - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
- Present sufferings: Romans 8:18 (NIV) - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
- Paul's weakness: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV) - "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Even after this divine reveal, realization—attacks came, misunderstandings, frustrations—charged, derailing moments.
While I felt calm and PEACE for the first time—I started to feel 'attacked' more and more. In a spiritual sense, THAT was the prime message in the vision when I connected.
Time to articulate the specific order of events....
After the painful precursor mentioned prior—things began to move and come together for His good and glory.
San Diego: The Message Starts to Materialize
I drove to San Diego for a single night, I was welcomed at my mother-in-law's home for the first time since she moved. The night went well, we had nice conversation and I helped with small errands around the house.
I went to bed around midnight, not an unreasonable time. However, I was already feeling manic, borderline psychosis—as I laid in a room filled with memories, tributes to my wonderful, Godly father-in-law (father) who went to be with our Lord last year, I slipped into that ethereal, out of body state—on the edge of a manic break, a place I’d been before and did NOT scare me. This time was different.
It was clear: every panic attack to date, every manic/psychosis episode was divinely designed to teach me how to navigate these moments and tame my supercharged brain. God showed me how to straighten my thoughts, snap the panic loops. It started years in advance—first panic attack felt like death, next I saw an image that epitomized my panic attack—endless figure 8 loop, speeding up in correlation to my panic increasing.
The next panic attacks, all I saw was that figure 8, infinitely looping driving panic and despair. Then one day, I stopped and realized the immense power of our creator and if he can do all of THIS, he can easily BREAK THAT 8—snap the loop. I prayed, I begged and I saw a glowing, symbolic cross drop on top of the evil, panic driving 8 and BOOM shatters into pieces and my panic attack immediately stops. I have now used this tool to curb attacks before they happen—truly the visions were a pure gift from God.
That ethereal place? Out of body, 3rd eye, pineal gland—That’s where He met me. What came next was remarkable—I had additional episodes but this time—my super brain ran through each and every psychiatric tool I had picked up over the years. Lets be honest, many of the tools learned over the course of 4 treatment centers have zero effect, but SOME do resonate and I stored them deep in my mind. Total self-awareness came on 3.3.24—I was less than 2 months from spinal reconstructive surgery—loaded on pain meds, steroids, manic and out of my mind. I had very negative impulses which I curbed via my most profound Godly gift "know thyself"—I knew the mode I was in and to NOT go to Mexico or Vegas or somewhere else to get into trouble. Instead my supercharged, manic mind ran through each and every useful tool I had stacked in my toolbox over the years to keep myself in check during this critical moment. I went as far as documenting the entire experience real time, while in the moment of crisis. This can be found on blog post '3.3' -
Returning to that San Diego evening, I started connecting the dots. Every panic attack taught me something, each one building on the last. I saw His plan unfolding—decades of divine strategy. As my entire life perspective is shifting, I start to look down and analyze things on my body that never really had much thought placed in advance: I had been wearing a cross necklace and more recently added a thicker, shorter chain with no pendant—I realized the CROSS sat over an endless loop necklace (can be shaped into an 8 on table). Then I began scanning more and realized “Know Thyself” the tattoo I had a pull to apply and when asked I couldn't identify where I even heard the phrase (not in the Bible), however it was revealed to be the ultimate tool, a pure gift from God. Know what I am and my predispositions, Know my current state of mind and take action accordingly. Know my natural inclination to say 'Fuck it' and do something really stupid. This single God given tool has kept me alive, out of jail, from taking action I would forever regret and more. Something as simple as: "Pause, breathe, control the rage."
Then my eyes moved up my arm to my newest tattoo, Keith's last message to me: “Calm” I didn’t pick that word—Keith did. It was his final message to me because he know how profoundly difficult it is for me at times. At that moment, surrounded with his memories, in his widow's home, feeling the heavenly presence of our Father—as I felt a definite connection, I heard his voice CLEAR as possible say “Hey big boy”—his signature hello, was not self manifested—I didn't have to originate myself—tone, delivery, volume—It was PERFECT Keith, he was there in that moment in addition to the Holy Spirit, this divine connection was profound—I felt him, 100%. He meant so much to me and was truly a representative of Christ.
In that moment, I was overwhelmed with emotion and spiritual connection, I cast out ALL the darkness in Jesus' name, believing it ABSOLUTELY deep in my bones.
I was stunned at how many demons were swarming, relentless, trying to disrupt. These dirty fucks were everywhere once I could see clearly, so much more than we ever thought.
I felt like a glass bottle filled with sand, draining black smoke (DARK) starting at my head, then on to my heart and finally the rest of my body. It was as if I was bottled up with these dark, malevolent shitboxes.
I stayed up all night, journaling, buzzing with clarity, hope and excitement. Things were happening—I shared my experience with Sheri the next morning even though that was just part of the story.
The 'Click' - Full Connection
After this moment of spiritual connectivity while at Sheri's, I was primed for a deeper moment and that’s when the final piece landed HARD, what I dub the 'CLICK.' because it truly represented a moment in which all my life's questions, wondering of suffering, trials, reconstructions were beginning to make sense.
I had a total, complete moment with God. Every trauma, every panic attack, every bit of pain was by design. It wasn't hate, nor cruelty, but rather love, a divine hardening so I may be used for His good work.
I broke down, grabbing my cross necklace while staring at the cross on my office wall, fully committed, reaching out to Him with everything in me, my mind, heart, body....
In that moment, for the first time in decades, my mind went completely quiet, in the same way you flip noise cancelling on with headphones. ZERO noise, no chaos, just peace, pure CALM.
I reached out, praying like I hadn't for years, and heard clear and loud, “Welcome back, we’ve missed you” (WE=Trinity). An absolute connection....
I turned back to the cross on my wall, the connection was so strong and prevalent—I didn't pause for a fraction to ask myself, "is this really happening"—NO, rather it was reflex action, something done without conscious thought—it was a pure kneejerk reflex. I became an immediate mess, humbled and shamed, apologizing for everything and especially using His name in vain, for being a shithead, what I called a 'trash Christian.' I literally fell to my knees apologizing and begging for forgiveness. He forgave immediately and brushed it off stating “I know your heart. Language, rough edges—doesn’t matter. Your heart is what matters. You have been put through many fires, rough edges are expected"
I asked about the demons? I was informed, similar to the Bible They were allowed to torment me, part of the plan to chisel me and build fortitude.
At that moment, I felt something behind me, like over my shoulder and all around me. I instinctively asked, "Is anyone there" I felt something off. Turned around, saw dark smoke like snake shaped creatures, dense at the floor, pulling away away. They seemed afraid of me and this is a result of having the MAN connected to me.
The sheer volume of these evil shits was incredible.
During this direct connection, I grabbed my laptop and typed with no pause, no stutter—just truth pouring out. I wasn't writing my words alone but HIS words through me. I had never felt more of a surreal, "Auto-Pilot" mode—some things I do not remember whatsoever, like naming the document "OmeGa."
One of the most significant lessons (other than direct messaging from HIM) was just how many dark forces, distractors exist to disrupt, distort, delay His message to me and my message outward to others. You can see it as you read the raw document—I am pulled off topic many times over and have to recenter. This is while I am the most connected to him than I have been in 27 years and still—it was work to power through the distractions and keep prime focus on HIM.
I was shook and stunned at the goodness of our Lord. I was in agony, I followed the plan and did everything possible to build myself back in each category (missing spiritual which was the lynchpin). I thought I would carry this regret, grief, doubt and agony my entire life. I couldn't in ANY way hypothesize a scenario where all this would be made to accept with grace and even gratitude. Boy was I wrong.
God Zoom: Seeing the Divine Plan and Destructive Storm
In hindsight, my teardowns were brutal by design. Tear me down, I build back up to then push me back to the bottom and then provide the fortitude to scratch and claw my way back over and over... for what?
Now, I saw it clear as day, I was given a vision of God's zoom, total perspective—not of just my own path but the entire world—I saw 3 planes: heavenly, earth and below—the dark. God, Jesus, the cross glowing above, people reaching for them but blocked by a thick swarm of demons ALLOWED to run loose. The darker you are, the more engaged in worldly ways—the more disconnected and easily distracted, less light and connection get through. I learned You MUST keep your eyes on Him, stay connected, block out interference, recognize what is pulling you away from that direct connection. It seems as history progresses and we get closer to the end of days, more darkness and evil has been allowed to wreak havoc on our world and make it harder than ever to stay connected to our God.
I thought I’d carry my pain forever—abuse, abandonment, lost kids, feeling like a total failure with no escape, no time machine to go back and fix. The facts are static and unchanging. I lost joy in just about everything I loved—food, movies, friends.
I climbed every mountain I thought would bring happiness and successfully obtained—built my body, applied tattoos, 1% job, dream car, boats, toys, financial freedom (millions in 2022)—made the top of so many mountains but I felt nothing. Worse than nothing because now I had hit these goals I worked for, thinking they would revolutionize my outlook on life and general happiness. WRONG!
Didn't matter, if my gaze was OFF Christ. I carried too much pain, trauma, guilt and loss but NOW, with what I was shown—all had intent and purpose.
The guilt, anguish, rage was gone. The “why” was answered.
The Divine Plan: Chiseled for a Purpose
This was a 33-year journey. I was a faithful kid—Christian school, church volunteer, strong foundation. Then wave after wave of trauma: childhood pain, bipolar diagnosis, addictions, a loveless marriage, kids I could only watch from afar, then not at all. Fired from a 13-year job, career obliterated. Rebuilt against the odds, but for what? I thought I was meant for something special, but it felt like I’d never touched it.
My bipolar brain sees black and white, absolutes. That’s why it had to be this way. One click, and the pain vanished, the suffering justified for good.
Dark Darrin flipped to Light Darrin. Like Job, like the warriors in Revelation, I was chiseled through agony into a tool. I previously felt the dark now—I see it, everywhere, a massive swarm, relentless. But I’m not afraid. I’ve got an evil radar, tuned sharply. My bipolar brain? It’s why I was built this way—to see Christlike purity versus sin, to float out of my body during panic attacks and get closer to God. To see the world in BLACK / WHITE intentionally.
Every piece—childhood trauma, addictions, abandonment, firings—was designed. Even Kristen, my helper through hell, was part of it. Divine intervention.
What’s Changed
I can’t stop writing about Him. All my old writing—rage-filled, sad—now has purpose, a Godly ending. No more anxiety, no more jaw-clenching. I’m calm. My voice is softer, my perspective shifted—no instant anger. I see Kristen differently, as ordained to walk this with me. Forgiveness flows now. In one click, everything changed. The world used to look like a photo negative—dark, inverted.
My right arm sleep demonstrates dichotomy of biPolar—inside of my arm is dark, cryptic, evil looking whereas the outside is bright, colorful, beautiful and bright. Now I think this illustrates more than just the condition but the world I previously live in (dark, cryptic) and the one I live in now (beautiful, bright).
Now it’s clear.
I’m more patient, even when people push me. The manic stress, the ball of fury—gone. I feel Him in me. When I start to clench, He whispers, “Calm."
I still have HOT buttons I am working on and some old tendencies bleed through but the change is profound.
Why All at Once?
Why not ease the pain bit by bit? His answer: “You, of all people, know absolutes—black and white, all or nothing.” It had to be one moment, one divine plan. I saw the swarm—hundreds of screaming, ghostly demons, relentless, trying to derail me. But when I connected with Him, they went quiet, blocked out. No fear, just awe.
This is my truth. It’s not for everyone—just you guys. It’s messy, it’s me, but it’s His plan, and I’m finally free.
“FUCK YOU SATAN and All those that Follow you”
The Symbolism & The Cure
Without context, these images do not have much meaning, however the symbolism behind these visuals is very powerful and provided a root cause to so much reciprocating agony.
Once understood, I am able to BREAK mania driven panic attacks by visualizing the source of the panic looping (endless 8) and the ultimate victory over any forever perpetuating cycle of panic & death.
Showcases the power of faith. For me its in Jesus Christ, but as with many programs, your own spiritual foundation hopefully will suffice. This is just one of many tools I have been gifted during my time in many treatment centers as a BiPolar1 w Psychosis as well as Anxiety disorder with panic.
Dedication
This writing is dedicated first to Jesus Christ and to others similar to me with any overlap to my story—experiencing mental health issues, addiction, abandonment, lost love, lost everything. This is for you.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”