The Tear Down: Total Deconstruction

I was living a scripted life. Firstborn son, groomed to take over the family business, college degree, high school sweetheart, the big wedding with 590 guests. I had the momentum of a freight train barreling toward the "perfect" American dream.

But you can’t rebuild a structure that’s rotting from the inside. You have to tear it down.

My personal "tear down" wasn't a renovation; it was a demolition. It was fueled by undiagnosed Bipolar I mania, crippling anxiety, a spine that wouldn't hold together, a traumatized body, and a descent into the inevitable hell of Fentanyl addiction.

In 2007, pain management was the Wild West. I found the Madison Pain Clinic in Dallas. It was a factory. A phone call, a faxed MRI, and suddenly FedEx was delivering custom-compounded narcotics to my door.

The Cracks in the Foundation

It started with the "bliss" of the honeymoon that felt more like a death sentence—emotional voids filled with silence. But the physical collapse was louder.

• The Back: One fateful night at the Colorado River broke my spine. L4-L5 / L5-S1.

• The Head: A fungal mass in my sinus cavity, inhaled from a spore in Hawaii, grew to the size of a golf ball. The pilot had to fly at a lower altitude because the pressure made me lose vision and feeling in my teeth. After surgery, I remember the doctor ripping the cauterized gauze out of my face—it felt like my brain was being pulled through my nose. No big deal. Just more pain.

• The Gut: A ruptured appendix sat inside me for four hours in a nurse's changing room before anyone took an interest. Thankfully, I was in the 5% of people who grow a natural abscess around the exploded organ, keeping the body free from sepsis.

I was in pain. Real, physical, agonizing pain.

But the solution became the problem.

M8N1ADDICT: The Fentanyl Fog

After a major surprise regarding distressed kidneys and liver as well as the fact the DEA raided the Dallas clinic, I was terrified. Determined, I tossed all remaining pills and (learned) endured cold turkey withdrawals from legally prescribed meds (Oxy, Hydro).

After suddenly and violently learning of opiate detox and successfully completeting a cold turkey detox. When meeting me new Dr, I prefaced my appointment: "NO Pills!" I had done 2.5 years of pills; I was done. I wanted surgery, fix my back - root problem.

I found a doctor who looked at me, someone on the cusp of full addiction, successfully detoxed. In a pure act of manipulative evil, he said, "You have to think of your quality of life... your ability to provide for your wife and young son." While de pointed right at them. I understand you dont want any 'pills' and I will honor that, but there is a think called a transdermal fentanyl patch, its just a sticker you change every 3 days. I didnt say NO PILLS! referencing ACTUAL pills, it was NO OPIATES, no masking the pain - I was so confused and manipulated - I had NO IDEA he just prescribed me something 100x the strength of the stuff I just went through hell to stop.

He used my love for my young family as leverage to slip the noose around my neck. He didn't care about my pain; he cared about moving units. He saw a desperate man with good insurance and sold me the strongest chain he had, wrapped in a promise of "quality of life."

He handed a loaded gun to a maniac and budding addict. Desperate to avoid addiction and dependence, he manipulated me into something the whole world knows of today.

That was the demarcation point. That was when I became an addict.

The world is just now waking up to the horror of Fentanyl. I was living it from 2008–2010.

• A lethal dose is considered 2mg.
• At the height of my addiction, I was consuming 20mg daily.

I wasn't just wearing the patches. I was cutting them open and chewing them to release the entire 3-day supply in a single afternoon. My tolerance built until I was waking up at midnight just to dose and avoid withdrawals. The withdrawals weren't just "sickness"—it was a twisting, violent exorcism.

To gauge the depth I'd fallen, look at the Suboxone needed to stop the symptoms. Fentanyl's extreme strength drove my tolerance sky-high; they just kept dosing more until the shaking stopped. I broke the record: 48mg daily (six 8mg sublingual pills).

Remember: what goes up must come down. The higher you go, the longer the fall, and the worse the hell awaiting you at the bottom.

The Collapse & The Diagnosis

The mania and the drugs fed each other. Grandiosity met invincibility. It took two interventions, a flight to rehab in Pennsylvania's frozen mountains, and total surrender to break the cycle.

After completing treatment—completely sober—in May 2011, my father (who'd groomed me since 1998) drew a line in the sand:

"If you and Christina split up, you are fired."

I quit immediately.

I went from heir apparent to living in a San Diego beach trailer: bankrupt, divorced, starting from zero. I lost my family, wife, kids, job, and career. I faced judgment and condemnation from every side. I was left alone when my stoic wife wouldn't kiss me for 637 days or have sex in over seven months. She wanted to be a MOM, not a WIFE. She got 100% custody, accommodating for years until anger led her to enable the kids cutting me out.

As of writing, I haven't seen my son in two years, my daughter in six months.

Only then, in the rubble, was the root cause identified.

Mental Fortitude built from scratch. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with Psychosis and Generalized Anxiety with Panic Disorder. The wild behavior, risk-taking, intensity—all part of the illness. I had to learn to balance substance dependence, bipolar symptoms, and the abrupt loss of my children.

The Rebuild: Silicon Valley & Spirit

I was ripped down to the studs for reconstruction.

The mania that destroyed me? It’s the same energy fueling my high IQ and my survival through the rebuilds. That is the true genius in Bipolar—but it comes at a price. A double-edged sword.

As if that wasn't enough, I was excited to break into a new industry. But within eight months, I was wrongfully terminated for not "staying in my lane" (applying for a default job). I lost ~$30M in stock. Ironically, I was bitter at the company but believed in the tech fully. I specialized in it anyway, turning an associate software sales engineer role into a 12-year career at LinkedIn (Microsoft), solidifying my place in Silicon Valley.

Rebirth shows how loss forges resilience.

The Dedication

I thought I'd be dead by now. Most people with my resume are dead.

I am publishing this for one reason: If I climbed out of a 20mg Fentanyl hole, so can you! My chaos was a divine blueprint to fortify me and draw me closer to Him.

If you face mental health issues, Bipolar, Anxiety, or Panic—I pray this reaches and helps you.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

— Jeremiah 29:11

Three Biblical Examples of Suffering and Redemption

1. Joseph: Suffering through Betrayal and Injustice

Joseph experienced a distinct trajectory of suffering caused by the sins of others and systemic injustice.

• The Suffering: He was hated and sold into slavery by his own brothers, falsely accused of assault by Potiphar’s wife, and forgotten in an Egyptian prison for years (Genesis 37, 39-40).
• The Good: His suffering positioned him to become the second-in-command of Egypt, allowing him to save thousands of people (including his own family) from starvation during a severe famine.
• The Reference:

  "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." — Genesis 50:20 (ESV)

2. Job: Suffering through Loss and Physical Pain

Job represents the mystery of suffering—pain that occurs without a specific sin to cause it.

• The Suffering: In a short span, Job lost his livestock (wealth), his servants, and all ten of his children. Shortly after, he was afflicted with loathsome sores from head to foot and sat in ashes while his friends accused him of wrongdoing (Job 1–2).
• The Good: Job gained a revelation of God’s sovereignty that he never possessed before. His relationship with God shifted from intellectual knowledge to personal encounter. He was also restored and blessed twofold.
• The Reference:

  "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." — Job 42:5 (ESV)

3. The Apostle Paul: Suffering for the Mission

Paul experienced suffering as a direct result of his obedience to God, as well as a persistent physical ailment.

• The Suffering: Paul endured beatings, shipwrecks, sleeplessness, and hunger. He also suffered from a "thorn in the flesh"—a tormenting physical or spiritual affliction that he begged God to remove three times (2 Corinthians 11:23-28; 12:7-8).
• The Good: God used Paul's weakness to demonstrate divine power. The suffering kept Paul humble and ensured that the spread of the Gospel was relied upon God’s strength, not human ability.
• The Reference:

  "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' ...For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." — 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

The "Good" Produced by Tribulation (Key Verses)

The Bible outlines several specific positive outcomes ("the good") that are forged in the fires of tribulation.

1. It Produces Character and Hope

Suffering is often described as a refining process that strengthens the believer's internal constitution.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." — Romans 5:3-4 (ESV)

2. It Refines Faith

Just as gold is purified by fire to remove impurities, trials strip away superficial reliance on the world, leaving a pure trust in God.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." — 1 Peter 1:6-7 (ESV)

3. It Equips Us to Comfort Others

Pain gives us empathy. When we receive God’s comfort in our dark moments, we become qualified to help others in theirs.

"[God] comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." — 2 Corinthians 1:4 (ESV)

4. It Prepares an Eternal Glory

Scripture frames earthly suffering as "light and momentary" compared to the "weight" of the reward it is preparing for the believer in eternity.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." — 2 Corinthians 4:17 (ESV)

Would you like me to find specific verses regarding a certain type of suffering, such as anxiety, grief, or loneliness?