ROUGH Landing
After all the carnage, pain, devastation after I broke my record, awake almost 9 days - I was excited to get to the treatment center. Unlike the other times - DUE to the fact that after my experience and salvation via these psych tools and GOD most of all. I had the toolbox, but things were coming loose mainly because of a natural tolerance developed to the medication.
I will admit now, I should NOT have been driving - not from something obvious like drinking/DUI - but I was so spacey, started hallucinating. I found an old adderal in my center console just to get there. I was expecting huge relief as I had informed the owner of my condition and experience. I have developed many coping techniques over the years, healthy outlets during certain moments rather than negative. The first 5 years of my Bipolar was a wild ride, broken hand, 5150 - lost!!. But when tools learned applied and understood, I was able gain more control and stabalize for nearly 10 years following a strict, consistent routine. This was taught and beat into me during the earlier. I told them that I have been successful because of these healthy coping mechanisms (exercise, journal, Bible, etc) regardless, I needed the place to allow for flexibility so I can access the tools, techniques taught.
Hate to say it - but I am experienced and know what I need from this program:
Med switch / balance
Re-Center / Wind Down
Refine Tools/ Add
Most important - THERAPY!! Mountains of it… Specifially family.
I feel like we speak different languages - and then I get hurt more. Im not sure - but I need to be able to pass along what Im trying to communicate.
When I arrived - instead of a sigh of relief, it got much worse - not because I didnt want to comply, but because it felts like mixed information and it was producing anxiety.
I pulled up to the place - walked in to say hi and before I knew it, my whold care was stripped and every inch covered. Since I was camping in the desert AND have a concealed carry, I had 6 guns in car and God knows what else, which can shift narrative and focus. Im 100% honest with my wife -
All clothes randomly selected / pulled - no choices
Phone immediately pulled and I asked for final cut off
Joy was dropped by Kristen (love)
Things got pretty tough when asking for basic items and not having them while freaking out.
Journal
Bible
Headphones
Pillow for Knee (back pain)
Then, after electing to stop opiates and in MASSIVE pain - stopping all gummies (knew), I begged for Tylenol and BackBrace - denied
Lastly, after over a week no sleep, manic - at 6pm i felt tired, listed to my body and asked for my sleep meds - denied until 8 even though I just gave them over - 8 took and spun out
It was so bad - that I had the thought, “I should’ve when I had the chance”
Things got better in the morning - Im here to partner and Improve -
However, it makes NO sense to have healthy coping and routine installed, gained stabiity and when asking - denied for the sake of stability.
Following day much better as far as accommodation and got some sleep- However, I asked to go to the GYM to loosen up and do my routine, my pain is sky hi. I was patient - it got to the point of GYM or ER soon - still no.
Ironic as I came here to calm my mind, I learned the best ways to do so - I used over many years and gained stability ONLY to have it take from another treatement program WITH backpain?
Talked to director - hope we can adjust.