Complete Opposite
Looks like the invert of what was told is happening. I came here electively, excited even to get a few things handled. I talked to Daniel, explained my story in detail all the experience, things spinning up and exploring a reset. I told him I have been through these programs, I have learned coping mechanism and the collective has enabled my recovery, stability for that long stretch. I picked up the tools that worked along the way…
Self awareness is probably the single biggest gift and tool. Know thyself in the moment, anxious, manic, rageful - what are you now and how to adjust / safeguard. This is documented extensively way before this. current thing.
I developed a military like routine - consistent fitness, therapy, journal, Dr, blood tests, - I learned to pay attention to myself and my body.
So - going to a mental health recovery place like this I know what I want / need.
How is it that many treatement centers install the the tools to survive - the healthy coping mechanisms - the onces we can verify I employ regularly and has indeed enabled long term stability.
Physcial pain - is terrible for mental heealth - thoughts of despair, hopelessness - but nope - Im grinding this out, working on physical body and tryiny to control the mind…. Just like when I was begging for my Journal / Bible first night crisis - and many other items to alleviate pain, anxiety and mania - back brace, Tylenol, meds when I was naturally tired, all stuff scrambled, Thank God, slept a few hours that. night, I do not know how but it was enough to feel a bit better, bounce back. Next day, started collecting scattered items (still no glasses) -
As Im settling in -gathering my lifelines. I was and have been adamant about physical fitness - back is frozen, Im on zero pain meds or gummies - rather than push for the percocet I could - I begged for the gym all day. Was strung along and ultimitaley didnt go. Pain climbing higher, I am in disbelief as I am trying to do some kind of exercise in my room.
Shocked - how can you have many mental health crisis years ago - forced through programs kicking and screaming - but it wasnt bullshit, these tools saved my life multiple times - that story of Gods purpose, hand in everything is the lesson. I understand the rigid structre as policy of this place - I learned its vital and can be life saving when you want it all dine.
Ive wanted to come for tune up as discussed throughout the year. I was slighlty ‘OFF” then - there was no outside influence - I maintained routine, listened to my body and responded with the HEALTHY coping mechanism I have learned. ]
Now - I felt like I was pushed off the cliff by surprise loss of so much, including theraputic items. What started as slightly off has turned to a nightmare. Self fullfilling prophecy - I dont agree such extreme action was warrranted but still, want to understand.
What I do know is i used ALL psych tools, sprititual gifts to make here. Then many of my person coping items are stripped from me suddenly and I have to beg for each back?
This is INDUCING anxiety - I am 10x more anxious now than when I arrived. I need to speak to the Therapist all day long - process this.
Its beyond ironic to me - I held baclk from the brink many times but this most recent was the most dire, still I would NOT.
Came here for refuge - and just spun up… then the reponse to pain feedback, beggin for fitness, parts of my success routine.
Thats the point and the irony - I came here to work on my mental health - my awareness and fortitude was there but I wanted tuning.
Exhausted - I was excited for bed - beyond - becuse it was natural, I had some hope in my heart and I know the importance of sleep. Instead, as predicted - back pain so high, wouldnt let take meds when naturally ready and when asked reasons are ‘stabailization’ - but the irony is the rigidity and inability to apply tools when I need to has made everything worse.
When did fall asleep - remember waking up feel like I had no control and couldnt move. I panics and spun up to try to wake - it was strange - then each time my brain was about to fade out, it was disrputed - Toss Toss Toss - anxious - etc. I would have take an extra sleeping med if i had control - instead I asked for Seroquel but didnt prefer. He said - lets start with 100 and go from there. There needs to be room for adjustment. Still, I was tired - ready for sleep etc… I waited on the dot for the med and then nightmare night.
Jesus -why is it all so hard and painful? I just wanted sleep - I just want then to listen to me. I was 10% off when this started, now it feeks like 90%. - this place should be refuge, not remove the coping tools used.
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Update: Staff heard me for once - meds have been adjusted again. Pain has taken over, so bad - they finally got me the bath stop and we are going to the gym. So small pieces of relief. My world will turn again once I connect to Kristen.