angel
It has become apparent during all these revelations, visions, and direct spiritual connections that much of my life, which I thought was haphazard, was actually under divine influence. For so many years, I allowed dark forces to play on that seed of doubt without trusting the plan.
The primary element of the plan: my wife, my angel (literally). We parlayed an unplanned six-month courtship into a 12+ year rollercoaster—yet protected—marriage.
I recently pondered: “If demons can inhabit people, can angels do the same? Not take over, but apply gentle influence, patience, and acceptance when it made no sense to?” Especially if I'm 100% confident the Spirit lives in her too.
The sheer amount of crazy chaos and drama in our early lives together was like a coaster off the rails. In hindsight, she truly feels like a tailored-fit angel; God used her to help me discover myself and get to where I am today.
I would have been dead over and over had it not been for TT. :P
Now let's go deeper as to why this is such a big deal for me (this will be purely honest; I pray that you do not focus on that—these mentions are all centered in the nature of my life at the time):
I was never initially taking our relationship very seriously. This is because I was actively dating two others (3.5 and 1.3 years), so I wasn’t really even looking. She popped up on FB after I biffed the wedding hello.
I felt drawn to her—I even sent her Bible verses, something I didn’t do often because I felt like a hypocrite, whom I disliked the most. Even though my life didn't reflect it at the time, I always believed; I knew I couldn’t be alone without God, especially in some moments I’ve witnessed.
Everything with Kristen was opposite what I had known thus far. Our relationship started on a friendship foundation and grew from there. I’ve come to learn that I personally am inverted—even this is too, I'm seeing. The other relationships started in lust and of the world, with much different initial motivations... but they bred distrust and dishonesty... short term... not long term. Women shallow, not deep.
TT is radiant, deep, trustworthy, loving—and now I see, absolutely 100% divinely influenced. I saw long-term potential with her.
During my connection moment, God zoomed out, and I saw divine input throughout our whole journey. It started because we had fun together! We were friends first and foremost. It was smooth and easy—we stayed up hours listening to music, speaking goofy, laughing. She made me ditch the others ASAP—you showed me a spark, love, a seed that would/could and did grow into a beautiful bond, trust, and love between husband and wife as God intended. You showed me true love, but I admit—I gave you the bare minimum in return. :(
I cannot overstate how sorry I am for this, and I applaud your Christlike behavior, showing me more and more love even when it wasn't being reciprocated at that time.
I consider the inputs I have to ask why: I was never sending Bible verses to anyone, but felt drawn to her and sent them absent ulterior motive 100%... Why? What pulled me that direction? Why did we hit it off as we did? Hyperdrive—I believe it was God the whole way.
Night before marriage (I was petrified—pain from last divorce/short term, early love), I had a panic attack, smoked nearly a pack on the condo patio, shaking with anxiety. We had just been together for six months; I thought about pausing—I also knew my state of being and wanted to safeguard her kind heart and soul. I was selfish, but I also felt a ‘nudge,’ not guilt—peace with moving forward. The next morning, the feeling was gone, and I could not be more grateful.
In total honesty, this predicate sowed much doubt regarding our relationship foundation. The enemy did gymnastics, poisoning me with those early thoughts. Shit—I told you ‘I love you’ in such a lame, contrarian way... it was just so casual. I understand because it was inverted.
You heard me talk to my mom that day that crushed you—10 years ago, and I still can remember your screams and crying. I understand it all now; I didn't then—I was just feeling more shortchanged.
I love you; I've loved you since I told you, ‘You know I love you, right?’ But it wasn't deep. God showed me why my love for TT is inverted—like me. Everything is backwards. Know thyself... I see upside down; you know this. Well, I saw that my love is inverted.
I believe it's common for people to be at max love depth at the time of marriage, and it naturally fades from there (sad, I know)—but for me, even before this, my love for her compounds.
I just want to be near you, TT; I feel my love expand and expand and expand. The more life experience, the more we go through... You allowing me to be a part of your family.
I believe in the spiritual realm more now than ever. I do honestly believe the Holy Spirit inside you allowed her to be my angel, enabling targeted actions at perfect timing—you stuck around when you shouldn't, let go when it would do good. Losing kids reset my world—drawing me closer to you and more appreciative, falling deeper in love. Nothing makes sense but this.
Only divine input can make a person an angel to be by my side through each of those major events listed above. I don’t deserve that!
Times she exercised grace in our early marriage (3 years):
- 1st back surgery
- DEA / 5x Drs / thousands of pills
- Detoxes
- Arrest - Major multi-faceted psychiatric event - NJ + legal (all dismissed)
- Shattered hand - pseudo 5150 (why I flip stuff, ikik)
- Hired at LinkedIn - fake it till you make it, baby… 12 years counting
- GPA passing - brutal - with me every day
- Lost SF 72-hour SF - 5150 ‘gravely disabled’
- Dual-diagnosis treatment 16/17 - Irvine / Sharp Mesa Vista
- 17 my angel kicked me out - best thing for me - what finally snapped me into shape
- Built routine - militaristic -
- Never faltered
Now—we have been through an extreme new trial. One I did not see coming to this degree, resulting in total feelings of abandonment, hate, betrayal, loss of support, etc. In just a short time—IPP fixed meds that had faltered, added new as needed, reinforced same routine, added new tools to the toolbox. I have never been more angry with TT—ever—from my perspective: Sheriff lied to attempt forced removal, left on my own, vibrating with anger (safeguarding her), to come back to TRO and entire family abandonment (felt). Hate/betrayal >>>> love/care.
Given a rocky 2 years—she held grace, dropped the order in a few days. I assumed divorce, loss of everything, yet again... However, I went to treatment and by God's grace, again—I endured, thrived actually. Guess who stuck by my side? Who sent me cards almost daily? My beautiful, God-given/ordained—wonderful wife.
Grace and love does not come like this normally, and I want to acknowledge you.
I know I have put you through hell and back and back and back and back... I do feel we are at that place, place of purpose—more understanding and, most importantly, a place to witness and showcase the glory of Jesus.
My story is crazy... I want to help others and witness His influence...
Something just as powerful is the wife that went through the trenches with me. Watched it first hand—and given all the turmoil and chaos, to stick along my side, holding your vows.
I love you at depths you couldn't imagine now. I have never been so in love with someone. I know you say you finally know... I am so sorry it took you this long to see; it was my fault—what started thin feels as deep as the ocean now.
Thank you for being such a wonderful wife to me. Thank you for committing to your faith in Jesus. Thank you for being my angel.
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