center of gravity
Maybe this was His plan all along. Strip all people I rely on at one single time, it tested my fortitude (not to off myself) and showed me that I must put my faith in Him alone. I have to believe that everyone that directly / indirectly communicated to me was not trying to push me to the edge… but thats exactly what happened, pressed right to the absolute edge.
Kristen knows the Sheriff call 11/12 was BS otherwise they would have forced me to leave.
I was 99% certain that Friday, upon return - knowing the wednesday call was bogus.
I was left alone in the desert for those 48 hours proceeding - 3.3 and other dates I took off into the desert (1.21.25) - she has gone searching for me in worry - called Fred, drove out searching.
This time - she knows the call was bogus, she knows that, even though NOT foced (hence vindicated, that day), I left on my OWN accord realizing how angry I was with her. I leave to safeguard and come home to a temporary restrainng order. I cant even talk to my wife about it, no texting, social media - I couldnt even answer HER call initiated by Her without arrest.
So… in the past - 12 hours gone - sound alarm and total concern
Gone 48 hours, seeking refuge and peace - told I am no longer allowed in my home, office, garage, gym with ZERO warning on embellished accusations (years old drywall, solar path lights?, Lexus mirror (as I was leaving to safeguard our relationship)
But it gets worse…..
I was IMMEDIATELY guilty until proven innocent, or just straight guilty
God really did strip all my people at once…
Best friend since 5 - I was set to fly to Tim before the cruise, He told me “not a good time” once hearing the news. No questions, no exploration - automatic guilt and disconnect.
My family - I thought they would absolutely have my back after all I had worked to showcase myself and Christina split - I felt they finally understood, empathized and had my back.
Since this dispute was centered on the cruise, their cruise trip as well as the absolute proof I had in my possession, they would default side with their son.
NOPE - they heard nothing I said - I was guilty, I was wrong…. Zero concern that their son, brother just lost EVERYTHING unjustly.
Brandon / Caitlin specifically, unwanted and unwelcome -
Parents same.
Didnt bother asking Ryan, maybe so I never knew - based on others, assumed unwelcomed.
There is ZERO defense of me - the work I put in to heal, the work I put in to provide for Parker/Ellie Kristen / Tyler / Bodie. They were fine with me losing everything in 1 unjust action.
Brandon, who I thought was the closest - betrayed me with the recording AFTER cops vindicated me and I left on my own to safeguard.
Cruise was also removed from my life, the very thing we fought about and family didnt defend.
What about all the times Kristen hit me relentlessly?
Night before Chargers/Rams game, relentless, defenseless hitting-
Rancho Terrace cornering - I was chased, cornered with relentless hitting, finally prompting a defense push to get her off of me -
Knee in Oro Valley - she chose to start hitting me while ontop of the elevated bed in Oro Valley, after multiple impacts and feeling I was about to fall off the bed backwards, I once again pushed in defense and told her to get off me. She did a reverse summersolt and accidentally fell off the bed onto her knee. Everyone was suspicious of her knee injury - what made it worse was her training on the bad knee, causing it to swell and bruise exponentially more. She did not breathe a word of the specifics because she knew she was the agressor.
This scenario came just weeks before she called the cops and obtained the reaching Emergency order while in Hawaii. She struck me so hard that a large, bruising welt was documented (see below). My response? I wrapped my arms around here without threat, limiting her ability to strike me again and told her, ‘do not hit me.’
Yet I am still in the wrong?? She needed an EMERGENCY protective order from me? When I can prove she is the agressor more often times than not.
What if I had killed myself in the desert? It was the closest I had ever been - sad part is, I am UNSURE if they would feel sadness or RELIEF -
Everyone else vanished - no one checked on me - I was this shitbag that got a judge approved TRO -
Even now, when fixated on fixing my reputation (more like salvaging), she insists all is good, no judgement.
I have gone out of my way to not give in to my impulses WHILE being assulted. All done has ever been for defense, even the so called ‘head butt’ from a YEAR prior. Listed in the TRO, (what evidence) - if it was a true headbut or even a BS one - at min a red mark would be left, NOPE - it pressed my forehead into hers when she came in nose to nose screaming - it WAS NOT a headbutt.
Still it happened 1 year prior and had no business being wrapped into an emergency protective order.
I was shown 1 thing - I can have ZERO reliance on any human being, focus should be solely on God. Maybe that was the whole point? I dont think they have enough malice in their hearts to do this on purpose. Whats crazy is that just a few weeks prior, I had this massive spritual awakening yet now I am attacked harder than ever, no care/ follow up - just got worse and worse.
Current behavioral notes:
Liz D - we stumbled across our good friends - Liz hugged/kissed Kristen for minutes, Bodie 1 minute, as if they were meeting after a trialsome period - total victim treatment. Liz said, ‘Fine, Ill even give you a hug’ when lovefest complete
Sheri - “You can forgive Darrin but no me?” - please explain, forgive me for what? Ive paid me dues and punishment - what would she have to forgive me for?
Amanda B - Fort Worth - she mentioned, ‘Dont want to get rolled’
Mark / Andrew / Chandler / Megan / Darley - treated me different ‘Welcome baa….’ good to see you.
Tyler / Bodie - ‘Glad you are getting the help you need’ - yes, getting help but how did I land here? I plead to the in-laws - Kheri included, sending evidence, information, Bodie had front row seat (was even surprised on 911 tape) - yet no ONE mounted a defense - NO ONE.
I have lost confidence, chip on my shoulder, clear thinking, feel like a whipped dog, no leverage, no power - at any moment Kristen can remove everything from my life - home, family, friends, community, coping tools, everything in a violent, no warning, no defense move.
While the outcome was positive, the method to get me there was WRONG and profoundly unJUST. It was the single most traumatizing event of my life - which speaks massive volumes given all my trauma, injuries, catastrophes, pain / agony. Each of the other traumatic events always left me with SOME semblence of a home, family and friend network. This was the first time where all was lost and no one would listen to a word I said - NO MATTER WHAT. I might as well been speaking GREEK.
So, yes - I am still traumatized - I am having PTSD symptoms and have been put in a very very lonely place. Lonely because at this moment in time - I do NOT have complete trust in any single person in my entire life.
I had never trusted a person on this planet more than Kristen - ever, period. This includes my first wife at the height of our relationship, my parents, best friends, brothers - no one had more of my trust than she did.
That trust has been devastated and wiped out. The first time I left the house after returning home, en route to meet Bodie for a movie in San Diego - I was actually hesitant to leave the home not knowing if I would ever be allowed back on the property (if she discovered something that upsets). I felt compelled to lock my journal in my car and hide the keys so that she wouldnt read and possible use my own journal against me. Halfway through the day trip, I realized I left my iPad on my desk and knew she had my passcode - this prompted a total panic - my digital journal, thoughts, notes were on the NOTES app and syncronized from phone, computer, ipad - I would have NEVER questioned her lotalty and trust until this moment.
This stems from the fact she threw nearly all grenades at my family preemtively. Telling them I was on OXY - specifically when I filled the script, NO context or protection given. She witnessed my total control and transparency with the meds, especially during post surgery after huge amounts of OXY prescribed. She knew I did detox, go down the addiction rabbit hole - yet tossed this to my family as the total grenade it was.
Compounded with the information Bodie betrayed me revealing without context. I was taking steroids in a mexican bathroom and buying ‘super’ xanax. Not only did this errod trust and confidence that I would ever be treated as a true parent - it was also taken out of context and weaponized against me. I was prescribed Xanax very lightly for the previous 9 months - I was stocking for emergency. Steroids were an approved TRT injection while I waited for my order to arrive as to prevent hormonal swings.
After the movie with Bodie - I wanted to order a beer but took pause as Bodie was with me, could tell Kristen, who could tell my family and turn them on me again. No trust in Bodie as well.
As I drove home, I passed all my family’s homes - feeling UNWELCOME, pushed out, isolated - I elected to drive home alone and prayed Kristen didnt find something to get upset about.
How did the Deputies know to look for me at Swanky’s? Was she coordinating with the police my location so that I can be served, humiliated in front of all my local friends? Thus removing my local community from me as well?
The fact it was a success is a blessing - but I cannot get past some of these events that led to me agreeing. It felt like PURE HATE - you know me better than anyone - you know the dark thoughts that have come my way, you witnessed mental health symptoms fist hand, like when I was stuck in an infinite loop- writing gibberish all over whiteboard, paperwork, envelopes. You saw the spiritual connection, you saw the fact I was reading my Bible daily (something that hadn’t happened in decades) - you know me - yet the best course of action was to strip me of all coping tools, all support structure, all friends, family? You brought back the Christina era lack of trust - you proved to me that my family has not changed and when push comes to shove, they will NEVER pick me.
You think that is an effective way to get me to treatement? 2016 Irvine, I was a mess - unhealthy, drugs, alcohol, yet it was nothing forcible like this.
You saw me almost kill myself, more than once and this is your approach?
Lets destabilize him as much as possible, rip away all true norths - under the guise of care?
I had a panic attack in the middle of the night because I dreamt a scenario in which you were upset with me - started going off about how you can take everything from me in one snap. I challenged - so you went ahead - hit yourself, self inflicted 100% - gave yourself a black eye - and executed the same order of events - called the cops, claimed I hit you - they arrest me, you get TRO - I lose house, dogs, mancave, boys, etc - I then plead to my family who then WILL NOT believe me no matter what. Then as I am losing it because no one believes me, that self fullfilling prophecy causes a manic spin out - panic attack, shaking - then orderlies are called, my brothers part of it - they all come at me - force me down, put me in a straight jacket all while I cry and scream, “I didnt do it” please believe me, please, please believe me…. Yet, as demonstrated - NOT 1 person will have my back, they will all blindly believe you ever me and I am stuck in a hole I can never get out.
Felt like I was in the sunken place, screaming to people but having it deafened - my worst nightmare.
Power dynamic - notice how during our road trip YOU apologized to ME for bad tone, attitude - not once did I have to do you… well thats because the power shift.. now because at any moment, things could be fabricated, taken out of context, dates disregarded and preposition grenades launched at my family. I have never had fear of you until this time.