Memoir of a Maniac: Chaos to Peace
After years of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish, a single night struck like a spiritual freight train—a true turning point. It wasn’t subtle; it was a radical before-and-after shift. Defeated by countless trials, I stumbled without purpose to match the agony of surviving and rebuilding after life-shattering events. Purpose arrived with intensity. I felt forgotten, even hated, but was shown the opposite: God’s strategic, progressive plan, operating from unseen dimensions. Hate turned to profound love, pain to purpose. The chaos of my life aligned, illuminated as a divine blueprint to fortify me and draw me closer to Him.
Forged in Fire: Trials That Built Resilience
My tribulations shaped unyielding fortitude across multiple dimensions:
Mental: Late-onset Bipolar 1 with mania, psychosis, and generalized anxiety with panic disorder led to 5150 hospitalizations, fentanyl addiction, multiple rehab stints, panic attacks, and psychosis. Undiagnosed in youth, I faced injuries, a medication carousel, and lifelong management of bipolar disorder.
Emotional: Family instability, perceived inequity, a manipulative marriage, divorce, deaths, and abandonment by my children, who refused contact without explanation, deepened my isolation.
Physical: Countless hospitalizations, ambulances, and surgeries, including a catastrophic spinal injury (three surgeries), 25 bone breaks, 10 total surgeries, a fractured jaw, broken teeth, stitches, concussions, a ruptured organ, emergency sinus surgery, knee damage, severed fingers, dislocations, and a shattered hand requiring four surgeries.
My professional life added complexity. As the eldest son, I was set to inherit my family’s electrical contracting business—a stable path. But when my marriage collapsed, I lost my job, career, wife, home, and children in one blow, reduced to living in a trailer, broken and alone.
Yet, through God’s hand, a pivot to a junior software consultant role planted a seed. That seed grew into an 11-year career at LinkedIn, a Microsoft subsidiary, solidifying my place in Silicon Valley. This rebirth underscores how loss can forge resilience, proving perseverance leads to success and peaceful acceptance despite stacked odds.
The key was total spiritual connection, minimizing the world’s influence. God’s grace revealed He’d been with me through every nightmare, with purpose. Doubt lingered, but a miraculous revelation resolved every sadness, heartache, anger, regret, guilt, and doubt, providing a universal answer.
The combination of mental health tools and spiritual surrender was transformative. Initially, panic attacks felt like death; the second revealed root causes; subsequent ones built incremental progress, connecting to this moment and Him. These weren’t random but strategic, each crisis teaching and posturing for the next, culminating in total connection.
Mania-induced psychosis and anxiety-driven panic attacks were hell, yet converted into divine tools. God allowed these to teach and fortify me, guiding a hybrid mental-spiritual health strategy. The mantra “Know Thyself,” though not biblical, became central after years of treatments and near-death episodes. Tattooed on my arm, it reminds me to reflect on endured trials, bolstering resolve, prompting pauses, and managing bipolar predispositions.
Another tool, from my late friend Keith, was “Calm,” tattooed in his handwriting. In overwhelming moments, his voice echoed, connecting me spiritually, shedding darkness.
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Hollow Victories: The Weight of Rage
Survival often led to empty triumphs, fueling frustration. I achieved superficial goals—dream cars, wealth, motorcycles, exquisite travel, Michelin-star dining—but found no joy. My ex-wife’s manipulation estranged my children, turning beloved holidays and family events into sources of hatred. Life became shades of gray; joy vanished. I raged, asking why I was pulled from death’s door only to endure prolonged agony.
Heavy music and intense gym sessions channeled manic rage. My body carried electric tension—clenched jaw, tight chest, heart in concrete—for decades. Self-pity surged: “Why me? Haven’t I suffered enough?” Work lost fulfillment; passions like food, sex, and travel dulled. Booze and drugs held no appeal. This was my mental state entering the first revelation.
The Break and the Shift: Divine Revelation
In Hawaii, my emotional dam cracked. I hadn’t cried in three years, locking my heart for survival. But there, I became an emotional wreck, feeling God’s presence amid dark forces. Reflecting on my failures as a father, I relived my first trauma at nine, seeing it as the domino that started it all, deepening my sadness.
The breakthrough—the Shift—unfolded the next weekend in San Diego. During an existential, out-of-body psychotic state, God met me. I saw all psychiatric and emotional episodes as a grand design: tools to manage my powerful brain. The “God View” revealed heavenly and earthly planes—bright heavens with God, Jesus, and a glowing cross; earth swarmed by dark demons disrupting Christ’s connection. I saw His presence in every step, never alone.
My first panic attack was terror; the second visualized its cause—an infinite figure-8 loop of panic. Later attacks revealed a radiant cross shattering this loop, claiming victory. Overwhelmed with devotion, I saw His thoughtful plan. My cross necklace, atop a chain, symbolized the cross dominating the figure-8. Casting out darkness in His name, I felt black smoke leave my body. Suffering stemmed not from hate but love.
Back home, the Shift connected past events as divine planning. Each manic-panic episode was a lesson, transforming pain to purpose. I abandoned old sins, wept, and clutched my cross necklace, fully surrendered. I heard, “Welcome back, we’ve missed you,” with zero doubt. Confessing as a “Trash Christian,” I learned societal constructs don’t matter—only the heart. Demons were allowed to test me, forging my character through trials by fire. My mind, quiet for the first time in decades, found peace.
Biblical Anchors for Trials
Scripture aligns with my journey:
- Romans 5:3-4: “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” My pain built endurance, character, and unshakeable hope, shaping me like Jesus.
- James 1:2-4: “Count it all joy… when you meet trials… for the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” Joy lies in trials’ purpose, building perseverance.
- 1 Peter 4:12-13: “Do not be surprised at the fiery trial… But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings.” Hardship connects us to Him.
Transformed Living: The New Reality
The Shift brought profound changes. I write tirelessly, old traumas now testimonies of God’s plan. Anxiety and manic stress vanished; jaw grinding ceased. God’s soft “Caaaallm” replaced rage. My bipolar black-white lens flipped from gloom to light. My mind is quiet, controlled by grace. I’m kind, patient, with no desire for rage-fueled music.
Hopelessness asked why no gradual relief. God replied, “You know absolutes—black/white, true/false.” Attacks enabled an existential float, drawing me closer to Him. I begged Jesus to use my story to help others.
Divine Purpose: Sharing the Strategy
Christ’s Blueprint
Everything had purpose, built through fire. God crushed my mind, body, and spirit—not from hate, but love. Romans 8:28: “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” All pain had purpose, unlocked by submission and dropping sin. My forearm tattoo, “Know Thyself,” was His clue all along.
Inspiring Through Pain
My trials—fire, medical crises, mental chaos—are my purpose: to guide others and inspire hope.
- Empowered Arsenal: God gifted awareness to defeat darkness (figure-8 loop). My hyper brain recalls and applies tools to navigate panic spirals, evolved by Jesus’ grace. Self-awareness and existential perspective shift me from trapped to connected.
- Hope Realized: I feel purpose, free of regret, knowing my path. Rebuilt better—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual—I’m grateful for His plan. My soft heart, once locked, is restored. My story, a weapon, proves surrender to Christ brings peace and purpose.
- Proof in Writing: My book captures the black-white bipolar shift—from rage to light. Suffering was good, shaping me for a world heavy with evil. My divine connection, supercharged, senses darkness fearlessly.
My story testifies that chaos is part of a loving divine strategy, delivering hope through Christ’s power.
