CONNECTION.OutLine
**Broken Chaos to Purpose & Peace**
I was hit with a **spiritual freight train** on 9.27_28.2025—a true **demarcation point** in my story. A **before vs. after** moment that changed everything.
Before this, I was stumbling in the dark, feeling totally defeated after surviving all these fires (Him, not me). Yet, even with goals met, I felt without **purpose** to match the agony and effort to survive and **rebuild** over and over. I thought I was forgotten, hated even, but what I experienced showed me the complete opposite.
God's plan had been **strategic and progressive**, coming at me from multiple angles and dimensions. Where I felt hate, He replaced it with love. Pain turned into **purpose**. The **torment puzzle** of my entire life finally **snapped** into place, illuminated, all dots connected, and everything made sense.
#### **Trials That Built Fortitude**
Transitioning from that overarching revelation, let's delve into the specific **tribulations** that shaped me. I've endured some heavy ones across different areas of my life, basically all throughout, each one forging incredible **fortitude** in me:
- **Mental**: Late onset severe mental health condition, **BiPolar1** with **psychosis** and general **anxiety** with **panic disorder**, 5150 hospitalizations, rehabs, med carousel, and constant monitoring—managing **bipolar disorder** forever.
- **Emotional**: Divorce, family unsteadiness, deaths, losing kids, abandonment.
- **Physical**: Hospitalizations, surgeries, **fentanyl addiction/recovery**, various traumas. This includes: **catastrophic spinal injury** (3x surgeries, 4th incoming), 25 bone breaks, broken teeth, fractured jaw, concussions, ruptured organ, emergency sinus surgery, knee damage with surgery inbound, severed fingers, and 27-break shattered hand which required 4 surgeries total.
Building on these core challenges, my professional life added another layer of trial. As the oldest son, I was groomed to take over my dad's **electrical contracting company**—a path that seemed set and stable. But when things with my wife went south, **all the wheels fell off** at once. In one devastating moment, I lost my job, career, wife, home, and consistent access to my kids. Reduced to living in a trailer, I pivoted to starting as a junior software guy, only to be wrongfully fired after just 8 months. Yet, somehow—through what I now see as God's hand—that tiny **divine seed** grew into an 11-year-and-counting run at **LinkedIn**, a subsidiary of **Microsoft**. This **career rebirth** not only provided stability but added profound weight to my story, showing how utter loss can lead to unexpected encouragement and growth.
After all that, the final missing piece, the absolute key, was a complete/total **spiritual connection**—nothing mentally held on from this messed-up world. God's **grace** was on full display; He showed me how He'd been with me through the whole hellish journey. I always knew it deep down, but I wasn't in conversation with Him, and doubt crept in. This moment miraculously remedied every sadness, unanswered questions, heartache, chronic anger, regret, and doubt I'd accumulated over years. I was shown it all and how this single answer is universally applied.
I learned that the key is combining **mental health tools/techniques** with total **spiritual surrender**. Each **panic attack**, **psychosis event**, or **manic episode** brought me closer to this connection—first panic, fear >> vision >>> progress. These weren't random; over ~20 years, they were **strategic**, with each crisis teaching me more and posturing for the next until we reached the eye-opening which we have.
**Mania-induced psychosis** mixed with **panic attack** overlays turned from pure hell into a **divine tool**. He allowed these attacks to fortify and teach me, even guiding me to develop a hybrid mental and spiritual health gimmick.
One big example is the phrase "**Know Thyself**"—not even in the Bible, but it became a key tactic during my mental and emotional health fortification. I felt compelled to tattoo it on my left arm as a reminder I could glance at anytime. It's a multi-faceted tool: If I'm discouraged or missing hope, it reminds me, "Think of what you've made it through"—at this point, I should've been long dead. When frustration flips to default rage, "**Know Thyself**" prompts a pause, stimulates breathing, and helps me know my disorder and predispositions, mitigating those typical **bipolar knee-jerk reactions**.
The last thing I saw in this reveal was my final message from Keith, tattooed in his handwriting: "**Calm**." As I read it, I heard his voice verbatim in that spiritual moment, pushing me over the edge. I felt connected, shedding the tethers as the darkness left.
#### **The Empty Pursuits and Building Rage**
Shifting from these building blocks of **fortitude**, this pattern of survival often led to hollow victories that fueled deeper frustration. After falling into most of life's ultimate pitfalls, I'd recover with His strength, only to lose more and hurt deeper. I hit superficial goals—dream car, big finances, motorcycles and other toys, exquisite travel, Michelin-star restaurants in NY, SF, Italy—but none brought joy. It all felt empty, meaningless, like I was stuck in a reality I couldn't escape. I was screwed in so many ways without explanation. My ex-wife manipulated the kids away, effectively losing them without even a chat. This bred hatred for things I'd loved all my life: holidays, family events, vacations—anything with complete families.
Life wasn't happy days and sad ones anymore; it was just different shades of gray. Joy wasn't a thing; I felt like I was waiting to die, no light left. I was pissed, raging, crushed, asking, "Why pull me from death's door so many times? What's the point? Prolonged agony?"
I craved heavy, angry music and intense gym sessions to blow off the unbridled **manic rage**. I carried that fire throughout my body—pent-up electric energy all the time. My head, temples, jaw clenched; chest tight; heart wrapped in concrete—for decades, building after each episode. Human inclination kicked in: "Why me? Haven't I suffered enough? The busted brain, stretched and broken; relearning after killer fentanyl quits; kids who don't want me?" It maximized hurt, then drove pure rage. Even work bummed me out—giving up dreams, grabbing whatever, grinding to pay bills and support kids. Joy leaked out of what I loved: food, sex, movies, vacations—down to shades of gray. Nothing excited; tries fell flat. Booze and drugs? Zero effect. This was my mental state heading into Hawaii.
#### **The Break in Hawaii and Digging Deep**
This building rage reached a boiling point during my time in Hawaii, where the emotional dam finally cracked. Hawaii is where the last puzzle piece locked in. I'd just told Kristen I hadn't truly cried in ~3 years—I'd locked my heart and emotions in a box for survival. Something broke wide open; I turned into an emotional wreck, feeling His good presence and many dark ones. Kristen saw me writing notes for questions to ask Bodie; she said, "Why overthink so much?" I walked out when she needed space, hit the couch, and started asking myself: Why?
Surface answer was easy (insecure in my fatherhood), but I dug deep—felt the stirring, feelings, heat rising. Bottom line: I overthink from feeling like a complete dad fail. I needed to know if I'd done one good thing or if it was all crap—that last bit of piecemeal fatherhood hanging by a thread. It took me back through my whole history: traumas, hospitals, everything to one single initial domino flip. Years obsessing, but never this deep—a new light hit. God's gift; I didn't get why then (like other pains), but it finished the story so far. I relived and understood my first major trauma as a poor 9-year-old boy and the chain reactions. No instant relief—more sadness and agony thinking everything endured started there.
#### **The Snap Moment in San Diego**
Carrying that raw vulnerability from Hawaii, the true breakthrough unfolded the following weekend in San Diego. I drove there and crashed at my mother-in-law's in Coronado. Friday night, not too late, sober as a judge, in bed by midnight—that's when it started. This time was different; I experienced reveals and manic moments through tools I believe God provided. I had control: separating reality from fiction, pulling out of **panic attacks** with self-reconciled awareness—still 100% in an active episode. Key was sleep; past times had zero, but this time, sleep happened, even if not great.
Right on the manic edge, I slid into an **existential, astral-plane out-of-body state** where He met me during chaotic **psychosis** in hospitals. I recognized Him, that place, how I felt—the path to connect happened faster and more profoundly. All psychiatric episodes connected by grand design: a God-given tool to teach handling my powerful, abnormal brain. Not just controlling thoughts and snapping panic loops—control over the chaos.
My eyes opened; I saw clearly, everything with new clarity. I needed to run through each life event with contrasting messages: the one received at the moment versus after **divine reveal**, showcasing the grandeur of His planning. A massive reveal was the "**God Zoom**"—max zoom out, providing frame of reference. I had a vision of heavenly and earthly planes: heavenly bright with God, Jesus, cross glow; earthly with countless waves of darkness released, creating barriers, disrupting connectivity to Christ. People reaching up, blocked by thick dark layers of millions of demons swarming heavy, stopping linkage.
Late onset **bipolar diagnosis** meant learning new mental techniques, survival tools, how to cope. Early **panic attacks** up until now: in a panic cycle, raging boosted by **bipolar mania** (driving more panic), causing physical impact, vicious cycle. Round and round, speeding up in perpetual panic. During my second attack, feelings of dread, failure, overwhelming sadness—I saw a **dark evil figure 8** horizontal, ball of fire spinning faster, driving panic. I prayed to break it; envisioned a **glowing white radiant cross** dropping, shattering the loop, taking victory over dark. This started in 2013; I've used it for each subsequent attack.
I was overwhelmed with devotion, adoration at the thoughtfulness of His plan. I wasn't abandoned—I was loved, protected. Many random tattoos, jewelry, things I thought haphazard were showcased as His influence the whole way. I looked down: always wore two necklaces without thought—a thicker chain loop and thinner cross. The cross sat on top of the thick chain, representing the "8" dominated by the cross. My "**Know Thyself**" tattoo—pure God drop. "**Calm**" from Keith. As I scanned, feeling pushed to the edge, when I got to Keith's, I heard him: "Hey big boy." Our Lord and Jesus with him—I felt solid connection.
I cast out dark, evil everything in His name—first time it sank deep, real prayer. Shocked at how many, pushing nonstop. Interruptions: computer crashing, even during screen record. Felt like a glass bottle with black smoke; it exited my body through my feet, head down, but not all until next night. Up all night journaling—I've been writing my memoir on enduring extreme opiate/fentanyl withdrawal, psych hospitals, tools—but it felt incomplete, no revelation, no **purpose**. Now I had one: all suffering born not in hate, but love from Him.
Back home, still spacey, manic, floaty—that's when the lynchpin: the **SNAP**, total moment with God. Drew relationships between past events, revealing **divine connection** and planning: each manic panic a progressive lesson, building on previous. All pain to **purpose**—not hate, but love. Emotions flooded; my life wasn't cruel—it was love, care, planning to harden me and my faith. I willingly abandoned old recurring sins with this faith restoration, dead set on blocking dark—prayed eagerly, begged for Him, turned to tears holding my cross necklace, staring at the cross on my wall, reaching for my Savior.
That second, I became all in, now and always. I so clearly heard, "**Welcome back, WE'VE (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) missed you**." Zero second guesses, pure sure. I know because of the panicked sorrys—I humbly fell, saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"—cursed Your name, lashed out in anger and despair. I'm not worthy, a "**Trash Christian**," and He said that's exactly what He wants. Skip the little stuff; He knows my heart—heart's key. Societal constructs like "bad" words don't matter.
I also learned demons were allowed to torment, invade—intentional **trial by fire**. After years of noise, anger, chaos—constant buzzing in my mind, never quiet—Jesus answered completely, connected in totality. With tears streaming, knowing I'm recommitted, I felt something over my shoulder—100%. Turned, briefly saw dark smoke thick on ground, shifting out. At that moment, for the first time in decades, my mind was quiet and at peace. Air shifted, burden lifted. I said aloud, "Is someone there?" Felt peace. I'd prayed forever for this connection, beyond grateful.
Looking back big-picture, I was knocked back strategically at inopportune times to wear my character and test resolve. In addition to this, the **God Zoom** showed the wide view and dark layer: clearest memory of two planes, heavenly bright, earthly with **demon crowds swarming**, nonstop flood of ghostly, smokey-dark demons. If one misses, next panics you—chain. But no scare—Him live, no doubt, awe.
#### **Biblical Insights on Suffering and Trials**
This journey of trials and the ultimate **snap** aligns seamlessly with what Scripture teaches about suffering, providing a timeless framework for understanding my experiences. For instance, **Romans 5:3-4** captures the purpose of suffering perfectly: "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." It's like a **divine chain reaction**—my pain wasn't random; it built endurance, forged character, and now wells up unshakeable hope. I rejoice not for the hurt, but what it produced, like spiritual weight training making me more like Jesus.
**James 1:2-4** takes it further with the goal of joyful endurance: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Joy isn't in the trials themselves, like my hospitalizations or losses, but in knowing they test faith and build perseverance for spiritual maturity. Instead of asking how to escape, I now ask what to get out of it—letting God sand down my rough edges.
And **1 Peter 4:12-13** speaks to the expectation of **fiery trials**: "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Hardship isn't a sign God abandoned me; it's normal, sharing in Christ's sufferings, building connection to Him. When tough times hit, I recognize them as **fiery trials** drawing me closer, not lies that God's not with me.
#### **What Changed: How It Feels Now**
With these biblical truths anchoring the transformation, the shifts in my daily life have been profound and immediate. Can't quit writing—old traumas now mean positive, showing God's plan, His design. No anxiety—decades gone. I always had daily jaw grind, sore temples, cracked teeth, total manic stress ball. Now, He says "**Caaaaallm**," voice soft; view shifted—no snap anger or rage. I see Kristen as intentional helper, divinely inspired unlike my doubts.
I'm a true **black-white bipolar**: all or nothing absolutes normal. Life looked inverted before—twisted gloom, depression, dark like a film negative. **SNAP** flipped to the light side. Mind quiet, focused; where I had five independent threads bouncing inefficiently, now total control by God's grace. Naturally changed: no desire for old movies, heavy rock rage music. Not anxious, kind to drivers, dropped my legal fight with River Rat dealership.
As I felt hopeless, asking why no incremental relief? His response: "Of all people, you know absolutes, black/white, true/false, all/nothing." His plan—knew that's what I respond to. I think in absolutes; fits perfect. Attacks allow **existential float** out-of-body, closer to God each time, new lessons and tools. Drain hate, fear, sadness, dark from soul; open to receive His goodness.
Deep in, I begged Jesus full take—use me, my story. Feel evil everywhere; call dark out via His blood, believe the word. Misery from extreme ups/downs, chaos—learned thorough hyperawareness of things affecting my nature.
#### **Reconnection Recap and Purpose**
This newfound peace culminates in a full reconnection, recapping the journey and pointing toward a greater calling. I forfeited last sinful ties, opening floodgates. Bawled staring at cross on wall, holding necklace—raw emotion, barely seeing through tears. Heard clearly: "**Welcome Back, We've Missed You**"—floodgates again, succumb to emotion. Hadn't connected like this since 15. Realized EVERYTHING had **purpose**—I mean everything. Now draw spiritual reference to my suffering life. Less anger toward parents, kids. Learned by design, built through fire. He had to break my mind, spirit, body, heart—**CRUSH** it—making suffering feel like a bully on ants, but not no reason: revelation, this was design. Time is now; I've always known **Revelation** should be anytime, felt and seen it—just wrong timing.
My prayer for years during hell: endure for some good. Brain split—grind, rebuild faith, steadfast, climb back. Body broken and rebuilt better. Emotional: no trust in parents' love, wife manipulation to loveless marriage, kids don't want me. Spiritual: no crying, connection for long—total waterworks, reaccessed heart locked 20 years.
Then, everything made sense—not wasted. That was my frustration: endured hell, held back from suicide, nothing good. Reveal just one week prior: no relief, more anguish perceiving family cruelty. Purpose? All memoir entries now have wrap-up, cause, reason. Hadn't opened physical Bible in 15 years (phone app)—pulled mine from 18 years old, marked on **Romans 8**, Kristen's arm verse (**8:28**): "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Keyword "**ALL**"—doubt and faith problems, then masterclass boom: all things I felt wasted had **purpose**. Under my nose whole time; took this to wake up. Same chapter: "And those He predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified he also glorified. What shall we say in response? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Everything changes: perspectives, reasons, regrets null. No "should have," "why me." Why no kids/parents wanting me? Why so much physical, mental, spiritual pain? All reasons I was pissed, felt jipped—leading to this. The **SNAP**: single answer for all, rationalized through new lens clearing **demonic clutter** blocking connection.
Gifted awareness of enemy, way to defeat—8/T. Gifted tools and hyper brain to recall, apply, navigate. Gifted control: mind tools, psych, chemicals, addiction break, toggle on/off. Controlling mania, pulling out panic spirals efficiently—discovering other place in that state. Self-awareness, **existential perspective** changes dynamic: before stuck inside situation, now "floating" outward where magic happens. Massive control; most hospitalize each time—by grace of Lord Jesus, I've evolved.
Already seeing signs: Pray referencing Him casually as told—new voice, called Him "dude." Old traditional "Dear Heavenly Father"—rigid, stuffy. He said don't get stuck on details; knows my heart. More relatable in my voice, tone—close, personal. Feel laser focused, no stirring thoughts, Tasmanian devil gone—chaos subsided. Now quiet, calm; feel His presence, focus. Reveals require restoring memory—He did, asking wider application. Feel **purpose**, memory, intent—dropped regrets, knowing what to do.
It was waiting to unlock: total submission, drop sinful actions. Pushed over belief edge to "no duh" real. Solidified faith: if true good exists, true evil does—spot it directly lately. Sheer overwhelming evil everywhere—I feel it. Previously prayed boost faith, set on fire, use for good—nothing for years. Begging why push this direction? Healing, teaching techniques? Wanted die in rehab/detox, then almost did as traumas broke—emotional pain once, then mental amplified physical. Pushed forward to be used for good—now stripped barebones. This reason: strip job by God to get here. Built back better in all metrics (**physical**, **mental**, **emotional**, **spiritual**)—not perfect, but have answer to "what for?" Grateful, blessed, thankful plan all along. Shouldn't have forgotten **Romans 8:28**—under nose!
I love my wife so much—been hell psycho turmoil, her by association. Excited lose rage, show true heart boxed safe 27 years—connection, emotion point. Excited focus, breathe.
Due to our Holy Lord, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, I've reintroduced my soft, kind heart—delicate, sensitive, why I turned rage monster when stomped. Locked in steel box years. At break moments, pulled back from brink—refused end as wasted as life, double tragedy. Told Kristen, journaled in Hawaii: "What's point conquering multiple Everests, pursue recovery/rebuild—and end treated worse? Disrespected, unconfident, abandoned." Good thing God gave fire, iron will. Same with mental health grind: techniques escape panic, control mania/psychosis. Listening to self—**Know Thyself**—inquire head state, be aware.
#### **Book Proof and the Bigger Picture**
As proof in my writings and a bridge to the broader implications, my book shows real anger, sadness, rage-maniac—**black-white** like my **bipolar**, biggest proof of shift. After life's best moment, culmination of parts in bits, building from episodes to develop tools, grow closer to God. Suffering why? Firings, flops hurt—knew potential, never used. Bipolar helps get why: one snap, pain out because suffering good—dark me to light. 33-year trip after faith set in school. Job/**Revelation**: special folks God shapes in pain—me, feels like end times, too much dark evil now; I feel, sense it. One tool/lesson: God favor for those who hurt/suffer. Always natural ability spot dark—now supercharged with **divine connectivity**. No fear after **SNAP**; evil radar on! More dark than thought, everywhere—suffocating.
Why late onset **bipolar**? Attacks allow **existential float**, closer God each go, new lessons. Current events, **revelation prophecy** starting: countries burn, martial law, **mark of beast**—all here. Expected whole life—raised on doomsday movies. Got sidetracked before finishing thoughts—constant redirects. Prayed years to solve, control—got closer each nightmare.
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This revised version serves as a solid map for your site's exploration. Next steps: Add more specific timelines or sub-sections? Integrate with your tattoo symbols or abstract mind images? Let me know how to iterate!