To my son, on his 18th birthday.

(check pictures top/bottom)

Wow - you are officially an adult man - Darrin Parker Abell - I cannot believe I became a ‘dad’ 18 years ago.

I will always remember the night you came into the world - I had NO idea what I was doing, what was going on, but I did know I was buzzed with energy knowing how much I already loved you and how badly I wanted to be a good dad to you. BY THE WAY, you were such a large, fat baby - but so cute with the greatest baby laugh. I knew early my soul was bound to you and I would love you forever.

I assembled these pictures to remind you that you had a childhood with me, we made so many memories together. This was a time you called me dad and I had no doubts. You were my Mini Me…(far from mini now) We are so similar in many ways.

Given the state of everything - given you are an adult now - its time for more adult conversation.

Im writing below as journal, chit/chat questions: .

  • Is there a massive piece of my memory missing? What am I missing? :(

  • Did something happen the night we spent together at the desert or dinner before my back surgery?

  • I think about you, all the time.

  • Do you ever think about me?

  • Do you ever miss me or our time together?

  • Do you ever see something, new car, motorcycle etc and feel the draw to message me? I do with you all the time.

  • I love you, I don’t think you can say the same and thats ok - I still love you.

  • Did you know I was made into a Fentanyl addict by my Dr when you were 2?

  • Did you know I recovered from substance hell because of my love and commitment to you?

  • Did you know at the same time I was diagnosed with life changing BiPolar disorder? Explaining my countless traumas, injuries.

  • Did you know, after recovering from the most addictive substance on earth - I had to learn my new illness, how to manage and survive?

  • Were you aware I was psychiatrically hospitalized after an episode in which I shattered my right hand (27)?

  • Did you know I was psychiatrically hospitalized and placed into treatement center 3 more times until stability gained 2017?

  • Stability gained as we began our disconnects - testing and pushing my fortitude (for that I thank you)

  • Did you know I loved you so much I wasn’t going to make you an only child?

  • Did you know I felt I had to audition to be you dad everytime you were with me? Rather than concrete schedule with mom, it was preference based in moment always.

I made this list to showcase my depth of love for you, I think about you. I want you to know just how much I FOUGHT to be there as much as possible and most importantly PROVIDE for you and Ellie regardless during these times.

At face value and considering your mom’s truth - I can’t imagine what you must think of me to be able to so easily cut me out of your life for 2+ years (4/5 years total).

I hope you read this far - what I have realized is my side of the story doesnt matter as much right now - bottom line - I would love to bridge this gap, find a way to communicate and hopefully in your adulthood, with mutual respect - we can make up for lost time. Please let me know if you are interested in the same.

I really do love you, same as always.

Happy 18th Birthday

-Dad