All right, I don't have time to perfect everything. I am in an active crisis/situation.
The more and more I pray and process, I accept full responsibility for my actions. I'm starting to understand my macro perspective more.
I've been writing this memoir for 12 years in chunks and pieces, hoping my survival was a gift given to me by God and through His strength, I survived over and over.
The story was ongoing, so I didn't publish, and then once I was mentally sound for seven years, physically rebuilt, emotionally.
I felt more hopeless because I didn't understand the purpose of all the suffering and recovery.
Then came September 28, most profound spiritual moment of my life, which still continues it's impact. I in NO way am excusing any wrongdoing, my part of anything - ownership is key - I am just very confused...
I yearn to speak to my wife and family about it.. I thought I was done enduring these crisis, near death moments, done being tested to brink - but maybe not? This feels connected and those tools once again, saved my life and this time with the loss of my support network, coping tools, unwanted and trips cancelled - max pain. But I got through.. So maybe that's it, maybe I wasn't even pushed to the break on purpose to make me stronger through the absolute worst pain I've ever felt in my life, which is a massive statement for me yes.
I should have been dead long over with countless trauma, near death experiences, scattered MIND, tools gifted to survive and most IMPORTANTLY the application of faith in the midst will save you.
All this trauma, rejection, brain and body breaking situations, I discovered God given fortitude. This realization through all that pain is the strength that is my faith and tools I have been blessed (via forcing) to learn along the way.
What I now see as my prime motivator to expose myself like this is having lived these miracles and without prompting, it has allowed me to help others through my experience. I have pulled at least 3 people from the BRINK using my experience and tools given - all God given.
the Pain now has Purpose - I am NOTHING - this God’s glory - I saw that Sept 28
Throughout the nightmares - I wrote everything down in journals specific articulating details from each scenario and the tools/methods used to escape - I realized, kicking and screaming, learned valuable tools that have brought be from the brink multiple times.
The story it morphed organically on its own -
Now I have all the pieces to complete the story and message.
I have all the original memoir writing during the chaos and recovery, from the moment.
Then after a massive spiritual moment on September 28, I connected in a way I couldn't think possible and everything changed.
I saw the world through a new lens completely.
I was calmer, more open - drawn to my Bible always and naturally - a true spiritual renaissance.
However - attacks came, misunderstandings - charging moments. While I felt calm and peace for the first time - I started to feel attacked more and more. In a spiritual sense, which was the prime vision during the moment as you can see from the images, writings on the Impetus page. There is so much more to come and has been written (not published) - as I am excited with total spiritual momentum, (NOT PERFECT and STILL MADE MISTAKES!!) - THIS IS NOT AN ATTEMPT to make Excuse.
I believe the largest spiritual attack to date and now I have even more chaos, pain and hopefully survival to write about.
Without getting into details or looking like Im defending myself - Something was done that was absolutely devastatingly and without warning.
Without the tools I list here. - dead FOR SURE.
I lost (perceived or otherwise) all my support structure, steady routine that enabled stability, my Life, MY LOVE - home, office, gym, back coping / stretching tools, dogs - all at once. What felt like ALL support vanished.
I have obsessed for years how to present this, format, etc…
Now, Im in the thick - I thought I was done with the catastrophic pain but this was the worst of all. Felt like a test as I had NEVER been pushed so hard over and over.
See subpages for details.
I love you all.