mini

Parker’s full name is Darrin Parker Abell—he is a copy of me in so many ways. For years, Kristen and the boys would joke and call him my "mini me," hence the title.

But now things are different, very. I will be honest and direct: I have not seen my son for a year. There has never been anything in my life that has cut as deep as this has. I feel like my fatherhood was stripped from me. I have made myself abundantly flexible and available for him across so many events, weekends, holidays, and birthdays—there was nothing that happened. I have written letters, texts, emails, voice memos, cards, gifts, lost iPhone messages. Never once did I raise my voice, explode in anger, or let loose my emotions, as is such a natural tendency for me. I know myself. I need to be reminded of myself and had it tattooed recently on my forearm. The idea is to remember and respond (which might be no response) as a result. Parker has forfeited things he loves to do independent of myself or the family: summer river trips, Disneyland, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, NY, Baja, Desert Trips, the Grand Canyon trip—so much lost.

He has removed himself from ALL family members with the last name Abell. My parents, brothers, their cousins, everyone.

I wanted to document a current state of affairs…

Tomorrow is a big day. I have had no contact, schedule, or plan since May 2022, and now due to Parker’s poor grades, a meeting has been called. We are all meeting at his school to discuss his classes with Christina, myself, Parker, counselors, and teachers. At this point, circumstance has finally forced a situation in which I will see my son face to face. I pray for calmness, peace, to be slow to respond, and to hold back anger.

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FOLLOW UP - May 2024

This is long overdue and should have been incremental.

I went to the Parent/Teacher/Student conference with Parker, Christina, and his teachers. It was the first time I had seen my son in an entire year, and I had so many emotions flowing at once. Still, I remained calm and was genuinely interested. We went through the meeting; each class and corresponding teacher went through the status and next steps.

At the point of conclusion, he darted toward the door and to class. I quickly walked toward him. I could feel Christina and his counselor hovering in, but still, I just looked at him directly in the eyes and told him I missed him and I loved him. That was the first reconnection point.

I later came by the house for Ellie, and Parker came out. I cautiously asked him if he wanted to grab Starbucks or frozen yogurt—to my surprise, he agreed. (We need to remember, he had easily ghosted me without communication and after many pleas to connect).

The time together was great. We kept it light—caught up about the house sale, the move, and other major life events to occur over an entire year. At that time, I told him I still do not fully understand what he did and why he did what he did. Nonetheless, I told him I wanted simply to reconnect for the next six months or so, keep it lighthearted, fun, and focus on making memories. Then, we talked about having deepening conversations with a therapist to understand the root cause and how we can grow closer. Cue the next 8 months…

We connected and spent time over a few light weekend visits, dinners, movies, and family time.

Parker then had a major accident on his motorcycle and ended up in the hospital ICU. I dropped everything—work, a concrete pour that day—and hauled down to San Diego, sitting by his side through the week. I wanted to show him that even though he disappeared, I would love him unconditionally and be along his side whenever needed.

From there, momentum built. Trips, weekends, and other plans were made. We went to Hawaii with the entire Abell family for 9 days in the summer. I forfeited my best friends 40th in Cancun to have extra time with Parker. I worked to help him get his license by first obtaining his permit in the summer, along with other things I was asked to help with. We spent time at the new house, did more shopping, movies, expensive lunches, and dinners. We went to the river, got back in the water—the boat, jet ski, tubing. We did the airshow, lobster hooping, the D38 Race, October, Thanksgiving, and December Desert Trips—I even bought a motorcycle for Parker to primarily use.

I was just so thrilled to have my son back.

We concluded that window of time with Christmas and New Year's. I had originally scheduled to pick them up at noon, but Parker said he didn't want to go to Kristen’s family event, so we switched to 3:00 PM. Kristen and I got tied up and left the event at 3:00. We called Ellie and told her when we’d arrive, 40 minutes later. As I approached the house, I texted and called Parker many times with no answer. We were sitting in the driveway (my entire family was pausing dinner for us) when he finally answered and put me on speaker for Ellie and Christina to hear. I didn't yell, but asked him, “What's going on? Are you coming?” Apparently, they were writing cards for a gift for me, and as retaliation, they threw them away. This would have been the most meaningful gift I could imagine, considering the year gap and all the pain inflicted. Instead, Kristen and I drove a quick loop and came back to both kids copping an attitude, saying I left them (we went down street as we waited) when they were late.

We went to the house, and I wined and dined them—movies, shopping, big meals, axe throwing. We gave them all their Christmas gifts and wrapped it up with a 1-on-1 Father/Son night desert trip. He and I took the RZR and the 450 on 4 rides; he was tearing up the sand and loving it. We went on a night ride and had a good conversation in which I did mention that I thought it was time we have that deeper conversation we had discussed 7 or so months prior. He agreed. We continued the night and fell asleep watching Die Hard2. It was one of my favorite days in a long time. It was supposed to be 1 of MANY.

I had spinal reconstructive surgery early in January 2024. I wanted to see the kids prior and took them to dinner the night before with Kristen. I said goodbye, told them I loved them, went under the knife, stayed in the hospital, and went through recovery…… and… what do you know? When I wasn't pressing for contact, Parker’s contact began to drift. He did text a couple of times in January, but then when I was trying to plan a family event for his birthday, POOF—no contact, cut OFF. Back to old form. He stopped answering my texts and calls, and disabled location tracking on his phone.

I was trying to get him licensed for a multitude of reasons. I knew he had always wanted to drive since a young age, but especially because it would unlock a completely new chapter in our relationship. Now he would have the flexibility—he could easily drive out for a weekend and bring Ellie with him. We could plan adventure trips, meet with family easier, etc. This was the circled date, and when it was time to pin it down? He disappears, pops back up to tell me he is getting licensed in CA, and then asks if I can set up Driver’s Ed. I do so, and he can't even respond to a joint message with me and the instructor? That is his level of ghosting. For what? I had surgery, was recovering, and poof—gone. And not just me alone. His grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins—they have always been good and there for them, and Parker so easily tosses us all in the trash.

So…. How else do you interpret Parker’s behavior over the years? This is not a momentary thing; this is ongoing for 3 years with still no communication as to WHY, nor an effort to establish any communication. FOR WHAT CRIME AM I BEING PUNISHED??????????

Father’s in jail get more love, attention and respect from their kids - dads that never pay child support, abaondon their kids, beat their kids - they often still have a natural draw to the parent, after all - It’s their Dad - but that doesn’t matter for me. I started my life questioning my family’s love for me and will conclude it questioning my own children’s.

From what I can tell, we reconnected not by intention but by mandate. I had a legal right to be in that room with his teachers. I extended love and grace—no anger or reaction. Then, I confirmed it was going to be all roses and rainbows, fun and memories for a while until we got into the meat of the issue, our relationship, etc.

So, he is receives vacations, gifts, motorcycle, phones as I was once again auditioning to be his dad. All fun and smiles, nothing deep, just give and he took. Then, with the Disneyland window closing and me vulnerable with spinal surgery/ recovery, he slowly tiptoes out of the door.

So, now what? The amount of damage caused by these episodes of disregard and ghosting is immense. He is 1.5 years from adulthood and is aware of his decisions and their impacts as a result. I have many conversations recorded over the last 3 years in which I clearly articulate how much I love him and how damaging these actions are to me and the rest of the family. Still, it's like torture. I am completely devastated. It wrecks my life, my health, my job, my marriage… it makes me question why I should continue to live — then - HOPE! he POPs back in, I'm ecstatic, I start making plans, desperately wanting to make up for lost time… then after 7 months, without cause (or ANY communication)—GONE again. Didn’t ask about grades or graduation this time but still, Devastated all over again. The rejection and abandonment feels like my soul being boiled to death slowly.

One of the reasons I was so quick to marry Christina was because I truly felt unworthy of love as a child - so I marry someone who disguised her intentions and underlying disgust, showing me zero love and reinforcing the very negative thought that was the driving force.

Then after hell divorce where I lost my home, kids, job, career and family in a single afternoon - After recovering from the worlds most addictive drug (fent), After I develop late onset BiPolar1 and have to learn my new lifelong disorder - success! all for the sake of my love for my kids.

When things are finally at a stable, healthy place - I start to lose contact - 1 then 2 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 months, 1 year, who knows now…. All done without so much as a simple conversation, ANY explanation as to why I deserve to have my son taken from me, removed from my life.

So, what can I do at this point? I have to protect the family that actually loves me, my marriage, my ability to support my family. I have to protect myself and the rest. I am bipolar; my illness itself is a rollercoaster. This supercharged that up/down—and almost killed me… twice.

The damage is mounting, this loss of communication and the pain that followed stole the last summer with Keith and Tyler. Keith was healthy, cancer had not returned and Tyler was moving out in August—that entire summer was tainted with mental anguish.

I have spoken to therapists, friends, parents, and my wife. I can't force someone to care or love me. I simply cannot. At this point, I have to remove Parker from my mind. I will be here and ready to talk if he ever comes around... but at this point, I have NO plans or expectations whatsoever that he will.

It breaks my heart, and I honestly didn't think anything could drive me to this point, but he has made his position and mindset clear many, many times over these past 3 years. I will no longer chase, no longer engage. I will be here if and when he's ready. I will love him forever.