3.3

I had by far my biggest psychiatric event on Sunday night. My ability to navigate without causing permanent damage to myself or anyone else is a result of MANY previous similar circumstance and the accompanying treatment centers or hospitalizations. Exploring the post-event silver linings - I have been writing my memoir for years (most unpublished) but I kind of gave up when I felt no one would care, but I truly wanted to publish my life experiences as a means to possibly help someone with similar diagnosis get through a situation you are convinced 100% you are dying….

While the event was absolutely and totally traumatic, I am highly encouraged at my ability to reconcile emotions, internal perform internal audit and most importantly ‘KNOW THYSELF” - remember the last time same symptoms/scenario experienced and apply the many tools learned along the way for each.

I was originally diagnosed BOTH biPolar 1 AND General Anxiety w Panic disorder (1 mom side, 1 dad side) in 2010 and from that year until 2016, I had many events occur, most of which resulted in loss of consciousness, destructive behavior and personal harm. I can say, of those ~5 circumstances experienced earlier, they always resulted in ambulance ride, 5150 psych hold and/or treatment programs as long as 4 months. Each of the triggers for those events were unique and I can tell you, I experienced EVERY one of those previous triggering events all at once. I had to lean in SO very hard on all the tools in my toolbox.

To provided tangible numbers of psychologically induced physical effect - I went back to my health stats during this event and observed my hearty rate north of 122 for 9 hours straight with a spike of 142 with respiratory rate almost 3x normal - consider the fact these readings collected.. WHILE NOT MOVING!! ‘Resting’…

I felt a central theme/personal motto was constantly recurring from historical treatment centers, therapists, witness from others in support group like me and also know that is a Biblical topic - “Know Thyself” was tattooed on my left forearm as a tool/reinforcement of the central theme, tool I follow to navigate the nightmare. I thank God He put on my mind, heart to tattoo that - I survived the night from Hell because of that thought - know thyself, know, remember, feel the last time you experience. Recalling total effect and instilling confidence you can make it through.

Knowing thyself ran through my brain constantly during the evening and prevented extremely damaging, permanent behavior by constantly and honestly perform a self inventory and take/prepare action accordingly. With my supercharged, manic brain and prior to losing most control - I ran through all the past traumatic episodes - expecting terrible impulses and preparing your mental reaction in advance - so when a random thought of going south and getting completely lost in Mexco was shut down, thinking about the last time I went off reservation in SF, 7 days no sleep, floating -

Knowing thyself includes understanding your diagnosis and prepare for when those hallmarks, typical tendencies pop up -

I felt something coming on the previous days and again, as a result of ‘know thyself’ bedrock principle, I felt out of balance, charged, manic, panic and my sleep was diminishing steadily even with meds. I attribute this to the foreign meds provided post back surgery - the last time I had prednisone is when I got lost in SF for 50 hours, spun into psychosis and ultimately called an ambulance which resulted in a week in the psych hospital 5150+ - Therefore, when they were forced to give the same steroid to help w big back pain/ inflammation. I was hyperaware and consciously combatted the same warped thinking and dangerous tendencies. Additionally, due to the back surgery, I had to take opiate pain meds and again ‘knowing thyself’ do not exercise terrible, destructive actions… like excessive consumtion, DR shopping, breaking into pharmacy and getting arrested (all really happened), I am completely on track with the taper schedule and have reduced consumption 70% - the removal of a heavy downer/opiate natrually causes a spike in energy, mania. I was successful in mitigating a major chemical induced psychiatric response. However, even more major personal events completely eroded my identity as a Father and by extension, Son - topped with Kristen (from what I perceived) was on the fast track to the same disdain, indifference based on an earlier fight, rough day.

So, we have multiple chemical influences as well as earth shaking ‘realization’ that my own flesh and blood doesn’t even love me and somehow Im so fucked up I removed the genetic programming/disposition to want attachment to a parent. The issue with the whole event was, as mentioned, the culmination of MANY triggers simultaneously. I have proved the ability over the past years (8) to handle up to 3/4 triggers at a time, employing all the techniques learned over the 14 years - strict health routine, sober 4 years and extremely careful when socially drinking now (know thyself) - however, this situation turned out to be the perfect storm of events forcing me to use all my techniques learned and still falling short - i KNEW it was coming, I felt it….

In the same ‘know thyself’ spirit - I could feel myself going over the edge, heart starting to race - good news was there were zero net new symptoms - I had experienced all at one point or another (most requiring hospitalization), I was rapidly employing process, techniques and grounded in the fact I survived once before, I can survive again - the problem is I received ALL the triggers that historically pushed me over edge, AT ONCE!!.. - I isolated myself, mitigated damage to family, people and fought every destructive impulse I manifested. Therefore, I camped in my SUV 7 miles into the sand dunes completely alone, cut off from the world. ‘better get ready to buckle the fuck up’, I told myself.

I estimate at least 3 separate panic attacks, so much stress and agony, I was shaking/convulsing against will resulting in my clothes completely soaked w sweat, looking like I jumped in the pool. Panic attacks OR Manic episodes are already extremely hard to deal with individually, however for me, since I have BOTH general anxiety/panic and bipolar 1 disorder - the two when spun up can be very dangerous and supercharge the negative thought pattern. I noticed my panic, anxiety seized control of my hyper active, supercharged manic super brain. I naturally think, process, speak extremely fast as I almost always have some degree of mania in me but now my brain was absolutely supercharged - I processed 1 month worth of thoughts in a single evening - my brain was so charged, powerful - it was working at 10x normal and because the processing, recall was so efficient, effective - problem is, when my panic mind steals the supercharged manic mind, might as well be gasoline on the fire to BOTH the manic and panic episodes - they had a reciprocal relationship and fed, grew off each other.

As an example - its typical for people w general anxiety/panic to obsess with a single negative fact, prompting the dysfunctional mind to actively seek examples, memories, references that reinforce the reason for anxiety/panic “the world is coming down because these reasons, during panic alone, even when the mind draws refernces to solidify the panic cycle, I have observed a period of time for internal debate, providing rebuttals- the difference with someone like me with multiple diagnosis - the panic mind then uses the supercharged MANIC mind to recall EVERYTHING that was a trigger, inciting every confirming event from my entire life. The recall is so hyperactive and efficient - Not only was I reminded by my malicious mind, I was literally put back in each and every scenario from age 9,13,14 ———> up to current age that applies to the theory. I felt ALL the initial trauma experience in the moment of occurrence - more vibrant recall than ever before.

This phenomenon results in very negative reciprocation/cycle - escalating, charging and rapidly reinforcing panic faster than you can even start to think through a rebuttal. This resulted in the aforementioned panic escalation, heart beating out of my chest, hyperventilating (and actually passing out), convulsing, vomiting (nothing in system) - once over, my body felt like it has been in a car accident - the mental trauma and event was so extreme, my entire body was sore.

So at the end of the day, I am very encouraged that I can get hit so hard with so many triggers and proving to myself that I can rapidly recall each and every therapeutic response for each scenario as learned from St Josephs, 5150s, Morningside, Sharp COG program, support group testimonies and 15 years of intensive therapy. Most importantly was my faith, I could 100% be dead without my faith through that evening, I was gripping my cross necklace through most of the event. This is my renewed motivation to organize and publish all my writings - I go into much details of these past major events, how close to death Ive been many times in my life, but in a spirit of hope and passing the effective tools along (most are stupid and dont work).

By the time morning arrived, I hadn’t truly slept whatsoever, but it felt somewhat like a dream which was because of the psychosis developing. As before, complete and total out of body experience - felt transcendent as before. My vision was blurry, spotty - literally every symptom at max level, experienced at once.

Im so grateful for everything Ive learned to date on this journey, my faith and belief that Im not alone in the darkest moments - I consider objective accomplished in that NO destruction, damage to others, financial stupidity, etc AND I was able to lean on the same ‘know thyself’ theme heavily to mitigate damage, inventory internally and EXPECT super destructive thoughts, impulses. At the start of the night - I felt defeated and a total failure with every important family group in my life, felt I had burned out everyones love and I can prove my love for them by doing something truly self sacrificing - I 100% believed I was going to be dead on Sunday one way or another. Thankfully, using yet another tool acquired, I was able to reconcile the ‘logic’ behind a dumbass decision like that and correct immediately. However, after about 4/5 hours into the panic/manic attack with an extremely high heart rate, I developed an incredible chest pain and could barely breath, it felt like a heart attack - at that time, I started creating yet again another series of goodbye messages to family…and when I could actually capture and direct my supercharged manic mind - the phenomena was incredible - I was in a trance and since there is confirmation of many people recalling their entire life before dying, well it felt like I could control this super efficient recall as it was activated by the true belief of forthcoming death - so when I recorded goodbyes to close family, friends - I could literally recall events with those people going back 30 years with recall, sensory effect to real, true - I could smell the old scents, feel where I was - It felt like a time machine - I have a jacked memory and recall naturally because of all this barely mentioned mental trauma… I cannot understate the mental gymnastics required to get though that evening, Im 100% traumatized and still balancing the absolute flood of 1 months worth of emotions. Not mentioned, during the event while the manic/panic feed off each other, my body goes into full fight or flight and ALL my natural adrenaline floods just adding yet again, more fuel on the fire Throughout my life, I have had MAJOR physical trauma from 20+ broken bones, 10 surgeries, shattered hand, dislocated hip, broken back, severed fingers, shattered kneecap and face, jaw and even a RUPTURED appendix - I KNOW pain - I honestly dont know a single other person in my life that has endured more, especially when you consider the psychiatric pain - with that reference in mind, I can 100% tell you there was considerably more pain experienced in this episode than ANY of the massive medical events listed.

This has revived my motivation to finish my memoin if anything to provide scenario based encouragement/tools - if there ever was a silver lining… thanks for listening. :)

I have so much more background, history, lessons learned that could maybe save lives.. There is nothing like having your brain put in a figurative blender and trying to sift through fiction and reality.

Tools / Techniques Applied:

Box Breathing

Combating negative thoughts

reconcile logic applied

pull out of 3 major panic attacks using many tools aquired across everything

Combat negative impulses by expecting negative impulses, thougts and have a programmed response ready

Lean on faith and the fact, ‘this too shall pass’

‘know thyself’ - absolutely critical in many ways

know what I am and my tendencies to say ‘fuck it’ and do incredible dumb things

know that a budding panic / manic spiral is coming and resist impulses to lash out and correct past mistakes in this state of mind.