Angel
It has become apparent during all these revelations, visions, and direct spiritual connections that much of my life, which I thought was haphazard, was actually under divine influence. For so many years, I allowed dark forces to play on that seed of doubt without trusting the plan.
The primary element of the plan: my wife, my angel (literally). We parlayed an unplanned six-month courtship into a 12+ year rollercoaster—yet protected—marriage.
I recently pondered: “If demons can inhabit people, can angels do the same? Not take over, but apply gentle influence, patience, and acceptance when it made no sense to?” Especially if I'm 100% confident the Spirit lives in her too.
The sheer amount of crazy chaos and drama in our early lives together was like a coaster off the rails. In hindsight, she truly feels like a tailored-fit angel; God used her to help me discover myself and get to where I am today.
I would have been dead over and over had it not been for TT. :P
Now let's go deeper as to why this is such a big deal for me (this will be purely honest; I pray that you do not focus on that—these mentions are all centered in the nature of my life at the time):
I was never initially taking our relationship very seriously. This is because I was actively dating two others (3.5 and 1.3 years), so I wasn’t really even looking. She popped up on FB after I biffed the wedding hello.
I felt drawn to her—I even sent her Bible verses, something I didn’t do often because I felt like a hypocrite, whom I disliked the most. Even though my life didn't reflect it at the time, I always believed; I knew I couldn’t be alone without God, especially in some moments I’ve witnessed.
Everything with Kristen was opposite what I had known thus far. Our relationship started on a friendship foundation and grew from there. I’ve come to learn that I personally am inverted—even this is too, I'm seeing. The other relationships started in lust and of the world, with much different initial motivations... but they bred distrust and dishonesty... short term... not long term. Women shallow, not deep.
TT is radiant, deep, trustworthy, loving—and now I see, absolutely 100% divinely influenced. I saw long-term potential with her.
During my connection moment, God zoomed out, and I saw divine input throughout our whole journey. It started because we had fun together! We were friends first and foremost. It was smooth and easy—we stayed up hours listening to music, speaking goofy, laughing. She made me ditch the others ASAP—you showed me a spark, love, a seed that would/could and did grow into a beautiful bond, trust, and love between husband and wife as God intended. You showed me true love, but I admit—I gave you the bare minimum in return. :(
I cannot overstate how sorry I am for this, and I applaud your Christlike behavior, showing me more and more love even when it wasn't being reciprocated at that time.
I consider the inputs I have to ask why: I was never sending Bible verses to anyone, but felt drawn to her and sent them absent ulterior motive 100%... Why? What pulled me that direction? Why did we hit it off as we did? Hyperdrive—I believe it was God the whole way.
Night before marriage (I was petrified—pain from last divorce/short term, early love), I had a panic attack, smoked nearly a pack on the condo patio, shaking with anxiety. We had just been together for six months; I thought about pausing—I also knew my state of being and wanted to safeguard her kind heart and soul. I was selfish, but I also felt a ‘nudge,’ not guilt—peace with moving forward. The next morning, the feeling was gone, and I could not be more grateful.
In total honesty, this predicate sowed much doubt regarding our relationship foundation. The enemy did gymnastics, poisoning me with those early thoughts. Shit—I told you ‘I love you’ in such a lame, contrarian way... it was just so casual. I understand because it was inverted.
You heard me talk to my mom that day that crushed you—10 years ago, and I still can remember your screams and crying. I understand it all now; I didn't then—I was just feeling more shortchanged.
I love you; I've loved you since I told you, ‘You know I love you, right?’ But it wasn't deep. God showed me why my love for TT is inverted—like me. Everything is backwards. Know thyself... I see upside down; you know this. Well, I saw that my love is inverted.
I believe it's common for people to be at max love depth at the time of marriage, and it naturally fades from there (sad, I know)—but for me, even before this, my love for her compounds.
I just want to be near you, TT; I feel my love expand and expand and expand. The more life experience, the more we go through... You allowing me to be a part of your family.
I believe in the spiritual realm more now than ever. I do honestly believe the Holy Spirit inside you allowed her to be my angel, enabling targeted actions at perfect timing—you stuck around when you shouldn't, let go when it would do good. Losing kids reset my world—drawing me closer to you and more appreciative, falling deeper in love. Nothing makes sense but this.
Only divine input can make a person an angel to be by my side through each of those major events listed above. I don’t deserve that!
Times she exercised grace in our early marriage (3 years):
- 1st back surgery
- DEA / 5x Drs / thousands of pills
- Detoxes
- Arrest - Major multi-faceted psychiatric event - NJ + legal (all dismissed)
- Shattered hand - pseudo 5150 (why I flip stuff, ikik)
- Hired at LinkedIn - fake it till you make it, baby… 12 years counting
- GPA passing - brutal - with me every day
- Lost SF 72-hour SF - 5150 ‘gravely disabled’
- Dual-diagnosis treatment 16/17 - Irvine / Sharp Mesa Vista
- 17 my angel kicked me out - best thing for me - what finally snapped me into shape
- Built routine - militaristic -
- Never faltered
Now—we have been through an extreme new trial. One I did not see coming to this degree, resulting in total feelings of abandonment, hate, betrayal, loss of support, etc. In just a short time—IPP fixed meds that had faltered, added new as needed, reinforced same routine, added new tools to the toolbox. I have never been more angry with TT—ever—from my perspective: Sheriff lied to attempt forced removal, left on my own, vibrating with anger (safeguarding her), to come back to TRO and entire family abandonment (felt). Hate/betrayal >>>> love/care.
Given a rocky 2 years—she held grace, dropped the order in a few days. I assumed divorce, loss of everything, yet again... However, I went to treatment and by God's grace, again—I endured, thrived actually. Guess who stuck by my side? Who sent me cards almost daily? My beautiful, God-given/ordained—wonderful wife.
Grace and love does not come like this normally, and I want to acknowledge you.
I know I have put you through hell and back and back and back and back... I do feel we are at that place, place of purpose—more understanding and, most importantly, a place to witness and showcase the glory of Jesus.
My story is crazy... I want to help others and witness His influence...
Something just as powerful is the wife that went through the trenches with me. Watched it first hand—and given all the turmoil and chaos, to stick along my side, holding your vows.
I love you at depths you couldn't imagine now. I have never been so in love with someone. I know you say you finally know... I am so sorry it took you this long to see; it was my fault—what started thin feels as deep as the ocean now.
Thank you for being such a wonderful wife to me. Thank you for committing to your faith in Jesus. Thank you for being my angel.
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Ten,
I more than understand your apprehension to me coming home when i am planning to come home. As I told you, and others here have affirmed, I have a pretty keen sense of self - I hear it nonstop from many people. As mentioned, while this place started terrible rough, the rebound has been remarkable. Starting with the Dr, his immeidate med adjustments that all proved to be correct. The normalization of my sleep, which you know how important that is from first hand account to the other ancillary theraputic tools - group, sound therapy, Gym and even hormone balancing. I havent felt this well collectively in a very long time.
I have also flushed system and performed a complete detox, something I was thinking of prior, not due to overuse of anything but rather to serve as a reset - that too has occurred naturally and I believe has helped contribute to this rebound.
You know I had an established routtine, where I messed up was the monitoring of my critically important lithium levels - I should have never let so much time pass - I just made the assumption that steady as she goes and no changes.
I do feel like I have extracted all the value I am going to from this place in the 21 days I will be here. I picked up some new tools and wiped the rust off of my existing. My meds feel just right, i have 2 net new but thats ok if they all work.
Most importantly I am in less pain than I have our entire relationship - really since 2006. I cannot describe the difference - trust me when I say I came in with a pain level 8 and am leaving with a 0 or 1. Barely existent. - That means no surgery, no extended search for relief - It was a gift from God and that in itself has completely correct, contributed to my reduction in anxiety, mania, increase of good, quality sleep - this was something I didnt even think that was on the table. I cannot articulate enough how much the extreme, chronic pain affects my mental health. Not just as a constant nag, burden - but also a sleep impediment. I have slept better in the past 2 weeks than any time in my life I can think of.
All this said - now its time to turn my / our focus on you / our relationship. I feel we have been so handicap - i am exited to explore our next chapter.
===================================
During the awakening - as mentioned on other pages - I was given a vision, something I call ‘God-Zoom’ - which not only allowed me to see my entire life timeline from a MACRO perspective but also see the divine inputs and guidance. This has completely shifted my perspective on just about everything in life but notably my marriage to Kristen. It is not news that Kristen and I had an abbreviated courtship and engagement. Many times, especially during conflict I had a nagging bug in the back of my mind telling me, “see, this wasnt meant to be, you guys just winged it.” It was there for a very long time and honestly undermined our relationship no matter how hard I tried to combat the thought. There just didn’t seem to be enough time and we BOTH had ulterior motives at the time as well (kids). This doubt was corrosive and very unhealthy for our marriage.
However, in this single evening - this reveal, gift from God allowed me to see His hand in our marriage and a much greater purpose for use both. My story is absolutely wild, but what is even more impressive in my opinion is the WIFE that stood by the side of a husband with so much chaos always swirling.
During this connection moment - I was shown a full zoom out and that God specifically ordained our relationship. He knew that both our first marraiges would not work out. We would eventually find our way to each other and the courtship was just … FUN. We had a great time together, she became (and is) my best friend. Even the notion of getting married was casual, haphazard - nothing formal, we both felt a draw to get married. I fell in love with her heart and loved her. I’ll admit now, my love was not as deep as I wanted. I remember the night before our wedding staying outside for hours, early AM, chainsmoking, so nervous and stressing out.
Did we move too fast?
What if the same pain from Christina repeats?
What if? What if?
I felt sick - I was going to at least pause due to the fact I was still so wounded from Christina.
God Zoom showed me the Holy Sprit nudging me forward. Something was pulling me to marry her and eliminate doubt.
I marriage was divinely inspired, we were absolutely MEANT to be. I saw God open doors and hearts to make it happen. I was terrified and ready to pause, not because I didn’t love her, just because there were seeds of doubt running wild.
Nonetheless, something was pulling me - I wasnt plugged in to the Lord spritually, but still I felt a draw.
Well, in hindsight - even with the tribulations - there is no doubt in my mind that Kristen was the one for me and I for her - which includes considerations of our first spouses. Without Kristen and her support, I would 100% be dead at this point and no testimony, witness would be had.
I believe given the spiritual draw myself recently as well as Kristen’s faith - carrying on her arm Romans 8:28 - God has a plan to use us as witnesses for Him and His glory. This testimony is 2 pronged:
Darrin - enduring unbridled chaos, suvival, God given gifts
Kristen - quintessential Christian good wife, loyalty in midst of fires, Love like Jesus
Do you see my love? I think there is somehthing much bigger than US forthcoming. I know it in my bones, I dont survive this, WE dont endure this all unless there is an underlying purpose. We need to see what that maifestation looks like but Im convinced God has us and He has a plan.
NEW EXCERPT:
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Letter to Kristen (generic) when I couldn’t directly contact her:
How sad and lame I have to install all that weird language to legally protect? It breaks my heart and I want to understand so so much. I cannot put into words how much hurt I carry but yet HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU… even when I am in total confusion of some details… the fact that I was cut from you completely - hurt more than breaking my back.
Even in fighting - I have always had access to you.. my ROCK. Im not puting pressure or doing a CODependent thing - Ive never had such a sudden removal of access - and it cut my soul in half - THAT is why I am so sad an emotional - I did NOT know just HOW MUCH I loved you and you were a blessing until I was forcible cutoff from you and I didnt understand why.
I hate all this legal dancing, but with what was put in - I have to do that… But I can make a website, public access. So whoever wants to read.
I heard that some are calling to check - melted my heart, but confused me as well. You can have full access to anything - but I just want to hear your voice or just be ABLE to connect to you. If there is something blanked out of my mind, please please tell me.. I have already had talks with owner here - it was terrible start - meds adjusted already, observing - I told them i want to supercharge the family therapy - cause what is also torturing me is not knowing WHY -
NEW: https://youtu.be/eLgcG963weY
1010_notes….
Do you know just how painful it is to just have to write that in this moment?
I miss you so fucking much, i cant take it.. I have never been more hurt or upset by you but learned through this process how much I fucking love you regardless.
I could not believe you did this so hard and sudden… I am NOT arguing - I desperately want to know. I will own anything I need to.
You have been here for all steps on the road.
And I IMISS YOU p dwhat happened did I miss something?
Note deflection blame, I can't believe It is illegal for me to contact my LOVE my WIFE.
I UNDER APPRECIATE YOU MASSIVELY - I SEE THAT EVERY WHGERE AND AM SIRRY,,, I feel we wee=re in teh cyst if si=netgubg great,, I just want to hod you and its ikege
1010_letter….
Event with my illness - never over the line….
All support cut at once - worst nightmare…
Im proud of what I learned to control from tools gifted.. and you were my GOd given miracle, I noticed late - I understood divine beauty late.
I want to start by wholly owning my piece of responsibility. Ill admits, I carry more of the share often…. But it's never 100/0 - and that 'agency' owning you actions regardless of cause is a key therapeutic tool in my control, healing journey. A journey you have been and ABSOLUTE God send alongside me, I always told you I fell in love with you HEART and it is on full display, pouring love naturally - I had to hold it back, you'd sacrifice yourself for those you loved.
I know you love me and I DEFINITELY love you…
We discussed me going to a treatment place, just like this multiple times earlier int eh year. I was onboard… Ill admit less into it this late, last minute… at ehe time…
Ite took zero effort., I puts up zero fight when suggested… especially because even with this surprise chaos, I am still talking to HIM.
You KNOW me more than any EVER HAS on the planet. I am WIDE open with you and I have always loved that.
You KNOW my deep rooted WORTHINESS childhood derived trauma
By the Grace of God, you were by my side during THE ROLLER COASTER - hell - 1 month in, I had you take me to back surgery
DEA letter / arrest - yes my dumbass 100%
Violent withdrawals/detox
Broken Hand - surgery, early manic event
Lost GPA June 14 as LinkedIN Started
Then - Jan 15 - lost, break, 5150 - forced - 'gravely disabled'
(Yeah, ITS a TON) - you are a rockstar, beyond babe, (even though)
All that up/down in 4 years span - recently, and you KNOW I told you that - during my vision, my spiritual moment - I opened up… I connection, I thirsted for knowledge and I could see much easier forces of darkness vs good - as I told you darkness swarms - all Biblical based.
BUUUT, what happened after? Really cool…
10 years following strict regime, not perfect - but meds always - fitness, health, intermittent fasting…(I know not perfect) I was terrified to go back there…… as you know… as vocalized…
But we were blessed with a solid (not perfect) 10 years. Which is amazing…. but as we discussed, my lithium absorption all over the place… and was defeinitey not steady as years past… I totally agreed, blood tests confirmed.
I agreed and was totally up for it.. In spiriting of honestly, I kindof remember you mention late, recently and I wasn't interested then. If I had known, definitely.
I should have agreed even if late, my mistake was NOT knowing myself sooner - knowing lithium is acting werid as confirmed by hospital.
\\
This is insane, crazy and remarkable… I think we forget just how much.
I take the vast majority of the responsibility. Total shit storm. Self Admitted - You are Godly rock star wife (ROM 8:28)
The meaning is so much more profound impact to me now. Which was part of the fresh spiritual journey.
Remember - the night before you sneak wedding I went on (on video) and told you the reason I was marrying you was your HEART.! GOLDEN HEART -
I saw it on full display, spewing out all the love you can on those YOU lovd.
I totally understand and agree with you that we have had ups/downs - you called it a 'bipolar' relationship, but just detabilitzed.. I agreed I should go to placed like that 10 is solid.. thanksful now… The lithium worked perfected for 9 years. I never stopped and body reacted different .
Had I known what I know know - I would have drove that second… Y
I am sorry and definitely should have gone to the late and not pushed back.
Because this? From you? After our history? Love? Rebuilds? All the times I was a SHIT head, you had grace to be there and contact, thats source of pain right there.
We were on the cusp of wrapping up our story and we could actually be that witness we always dreamed.
We have an incredible story and testimony to share TOGETHER ! My God given miracles + your Christ like heart and compassion to be alongside me throughout the storms, beause I dont make it without you.
Not perfect, it was biPolar of late - but the irony is all natural occuring impact and other times more self induced.
We say better always together.
You are the ONLY person that can talk an anxiety of mine.
Im sorry I didn't say before. Im sorry for all the things - overlooking your incredible value as my wife - I said that in one of the many, broken up videos - while I thought our coutship and marraige haphazard - saw diving purpose.
I have learned and confirmed single greatest fear/pain is Abandonment, if cruise touched on any other nerve I would have let it go as its not worth it. I was more centered but even then my deepest nerve pushed.
I take PLENTY of responsibility there are so many things I am sorry for, regrets…..
Feeling UNLOved and NOT WORTHY of LOVE was the underlying root, negative core belief - as we have discussed many times..
Sorry, I know you know this - I just want to layout the whole picture in writing.
There is NO excuse or defense for ANY of my actions. IN the spirit of transparency and honestly… this is absolute TRUTH - even if its bad for me…
Please dont forget how Wednesday started - loving, sex - things were smooth and fun of recent - As you know the importance to have you with me on the family Trip - that stupid scar nag..
I apologies for being even more hypersensitive as shouldn't tally how many family events either way…
I want to review with a therapist heavily - below is my account of events, this is NOT a (DEFENSE), I must understand/
<REMOVED MY versions of events for Therapy>
AGAIN - I am still responsibly for my tone my part of the argument - I want to be wide open and honest…
I am sorry for the many ways I failed you as a husband…
Good news / Bad news - there's ins absolutely NO DOUBT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
Bad news - I hurt more than anything - the framing, some tweaking around and the absolute worst
The sheer suddenness - SNAP all at once.
I under appreciated you like a total dumbass and I am so sorry… you are amazing…
I see all that now - and is part of that whole moment - you never say me more that 2 days I a row do a devotion…. I carried my Bible and journal with us 100% even traveling…. Thankfully its still there.. I just never thought I was in for another destruction. .
Things are different this time and I have no control - 10 years is solid stability - test not perfect…
Boody adjustments causing weirdness - I was tota; game all year for a TUNE up and whole med thing etc…
(For honest, I will; admin's when mentioned late - I said know) - im sorry and had I know what it would turn into.
WHAT IM BOUT TO WRITE I SWEAR TO OUR JESUS - THIS IS DIRECT FOR THE HEART - TEARS STREAMING.
It has taken me forever for finish.
First Psych hospitalization - and shattered hand - you were my support
When GPA died - there you were supporting
When ER Doc pumped , steroids, week awake, lost psychosis, 5150. a mess - you were there
Sent to Morningside - heartbreaking - like jail misery… but you were there ny my side the whole way…
Again - now with this new spiritual lens - as I mentioned I feel we aer being attack as I go down these weird rabbit holes
My love for you grew and grew as I saw these things and experienced life with you. I know you doubted early.. but there is zero DOUBts - I thought I was hurt before. This broke me completely -
I just want to understand and the therapists are warming up.
Im shaking as I write this… and can't believe this is life..
Yes, far from perfect and I have lots of issues and we have had some run ins, but it finally felt like on track at the moment I connect to HIM for the first time in almost 30 years? - iven the total journey its remarkable and 100% God with YOU - that was the revelation I saw,,
How many times since early October did I call you a DIVINE gift?
I was already willing to go somewhere and know something was off.. you didnt have to force me here (why I am so confused)
I JUST WANT TO SO DEPERATELY UNDERSTAND.
I am not innocent… but as I have told you thoughtout our Marriage - the punishment DOES NOT fit the crime.
So - I would LOVE everyone to pause and please consider this -
So what did I do? You know I really have solid, call often BEST FRIENDS - TIM and Brandon (also brother)
I have journaled extensively - each and every time I feel some new found purpose… plan - and AH THIS IS WHY change…. I was barely into and it clicked the countless survival mental tools with God given spiritual tools. I felt It was going to help many. Yes, I own completely I mentioned the cruise when you said not to. I truly need to own my part…
I told you felt like attacks - this one is nuts and I know down in your heart.
Im not perfect - hot mess, quick to react, manic at times. Emotional trauma, I get it when you see, deal with it.. I have to try my best to do my best and pray for the vision, insight.
Then next was the moment that changed me to the core…
After the cops left immediately allowing me to stay home - I was the most mad I had ever been with you - IRATE.
But I applied my tools and knew to leave to protect. I did vent hard to Brandon and I am so SO SO terribly sorry for what I said, I am ashamed but I was convinced you tried to have me arrested for nothing. Rather than scream, yell - it was … pack up and leave, vent to your brother before something bad happens.
I honestly thought 100% after staying gone for 2 nights, coming home peaceful and ready to see you, I thought to see the soft side Kristen and instead met with the order 5 mins to leave everything. I am NOT trying to make you feel bad or even blaming you at this point, even if I disaggree with exageratted facts or whatever - YOU STILL felt that way, and I want to know why.
Im not perfect - by far….. But I have really worked at awareness, self improvement and we can cite many examples love. Still work in progress. I am going to unleash all my writings here and still believe God is involved in everything.
IN sprint of transparency, the head butt - as you know we, you can get in our faces - still uncalled for and what was loved at as a defensive mecanism. Still - transparency and truth. Lets be honest, no mark left, nor on wall, nor fear of safety or you would have called then,.
This is what is making it difficulty, because If I must be honest to improve, I please need you to be.
If an immediate concern, why report year later and never say?
Same with the knee, you were not eager at all knowing how it started. This isn't an excuse I told you over and over sorry, pushed off too strong and tumble… You know all this and didnt say anything cause the start - I believe that was 21.
2015 - you hit / chased me to the garage door - I asked you to stop, pushed you off me in defense and you went pretty far
2018 - you failed to mention the time I didnt even defend myself - to was the night before I took the kids to the football game
I know I have many flaws and areas to imprvove - but we should all look
Again more to unpack - another mentions was the table flip - where I dont recall.- its is wrong and uncalled for. - there is no excuse, this will be something to work on - but again, since never mentioned til now - outch
This is what was so defastating.
I am excited to explore and discuss perspective and lean on these thereapist and drs to help commjnuate….
I say this honestly - Ive never been hurt like that, did didnt think it was possible. Divorce and move out would have been much less pain - im sorry I dont mean to make you feel bad..
To have 5 mins that's just total shock to grab what I can. And never come back for 2 years - It was emotional overload. Here I am thinking her lying to arrest me is the worst thing ever. But im taking space, and came back totally calm, as trained..
Again - I have much fault and blame… I obviously did something to make he that mad - brovo, its exponential pain, especially consider the deep shared knowledge.
The reason Brandon is my brother and BEST FRIEND is because he was the ONLY one that didnt abaondon, judge, avoid when Christina and I split, lost job, new career, living nearly homeless while parent brought in ex (grandkids, get it) still hurts deep.
This galvanized us - I could vent and tell him anything without concern.
(This is not woe is me) - there's tons for me to own - but the instant damage, lost support pillars at once. Lost trust..
So after the cops left due to no concern, risk, I was pretty angry because to me my wife just tied to lie to have me arrested.. Again, many tools learned over the years, know thyself - I know to remove, so I chose to sleep in the dirt - but on my way loading - was on with brandomn hours after - something it was passed around to my family - and set opinions , support levels before I got there.
So - not directing anger frustrations, yelling at Kristen - ;leave, load up rig and vent to let off steam to my brother and yes, I have never said worse things about my wife… Im ashamed, it was wrong..
But what happened was they believed THAT super pissed version was just before my recording where I baited her and it was a whole trick thing. Optics were messed up… but I was kind and sad she wouldnt go.. period.
You need to remember what I mentioned… you were / are a blessing from God and were there to help me through the roughest stuff…. I called you from the psych hospital, Morningside, Mesa Vista and you were gracious and kind to talk to me immediately moving out - king, consistent support through my darkest times… I thank you and love you for it and sorry did tell you more.
Even when we fight - we make up… I don even want to look at my phone.. I removed your favorite and others to avoid the reminder, sadness -
You saw the crazy come out last year love - I agreed, things off balance — Im excited to do this..
I know people are going to make excuses and that's fine.. it's my truth, messaging.
Since Brandons recording distributed without knowledge and changed perception due to wrong sequence.
Support completely evaporated as a result. I have never been more angry at her - but guess what? Even in midst of a lithium off situation - after thinking my wife lied to cops to get me arrested, they left leaving me there. Still not going near her as healthy choice, then the vent used against me?
After all this went down and knowing how bogus or embellished the claims were… and considering they too understood the want for her to go on the cruise - I thought they would understand and be protective of their son…
I called and explained to dad, detail, how to verify, etc…so between the refusal to go and targeting of their son, slam dunk supporting me. But they did now. Felt like an echo
I undstand a little bit more.
So - we had 4 crisis moments the first 4 years - not perfect but 10 is awesome.. I agree to geo easier…
Each Crisis Kriten and access to her has been my steadfast support,
Also - each of those moments, at least there was SOME warning, preparation.. \
Immediate cut off at once on bugus….. I dont ever remember any threats, def not recently… but my love my rock, my God given gift is walled off by her choice??
You've seen me in these crisis more than anyone… you know how you've helped me break.. you know just access to you alleviates..
But unfortunately, IT GOT worse and worse….. When I arrived in SD - I thought I had total parental support… but opposite/ I learned about he recording Brandon sent because of language cited…. And my mom calling my heart rotten..
I had been talking to Brandon extensively - on the drive, just still devastated, stinky, camp stuff… overwhelmed and defeated - wo excited to be there and just chill w my brother. Caitlin arrived as I was grabbing me bag…. I dont blame her, not sure what information promoted - but after what I perceived to be kristen elect to do this… my next support pillar betweratwedd be and his wife said I was NOT welcome.
I could barely hold in the tears.. I just needed some family.
My parents - which I have a lot of issues with - were going off, clearly angry not listening to a thing.. did not feel welcome there
What purpose Brandon - if presented as before when not True. Why record? Why play and show if not related to cop call? All that did is erod their feelings for me…
Heard my mom say filthy mouth, corrupt heart… so - I thought after finally having my back, would be defensive of false accusations, but instead lost huge support, entire family.
I understand I have a lot of wrong doing - but not ALL, no one waned to hear anything.
The recording, if she was vicious and used foul language -
I just dont know why he would betray me like that? I already know im manic and reageful -im exicted to unpack
As Kirsten knew - it killed me that my parents never pick. My side, which she agrees 0
She defaulted to Kristen.. I know I am at fault for so much.. and I truly work to improve.
I thought they would be defensive, but instead claimed to not take sides. Showing audio and pulling record didnt matter…. It echoed 2011, immediate ptsd, I am sorry for my part and well unpack much….
Parents admitted, "yeah, made up, embellished because you"
She is a trooper and amazing wife. I do wish she would attend family things more but I should try and understand why.
I own my mania, I own that I need t reset.. and that is in process…
MORE support Pillars, Retreats LOST
Spoke to Tim for weeks, super excited to fly out solo, go through technology, warmth in his voice, it was great.
After the accusations - I was not welcome - the trop I as counting to
Then the infamous, life changing cruise I was still excited to go - I was uninvited.
Missed thanksgiving
Missed Christmas
Fine - Ill balance - and work to improve as we chat… but to have this in place embellieded Wednesday -
I can't get over the betrayal and continuous - I OWN that im a roller coaster and a wild ride- I know we have lows,, but crazy highs. Considering all the lifelines cut at some time - which im a meta; jea;tj cross -
I was touched and crying when my dad passed along 'same team' - and appreciated that. What I dont understand is Im in total agreement, something off - Im very sorry, deddicated to getting it fixed.
By why do we have to go through my dad of all people? That I dont understand and again where punishment doesn't fit crime,. Sudden snipped support line, and then passing through my parents.
This while cluster fuck is one of the prime motivators for the program. I feel like im speaking Chinese to them… they do not understand, therapist will and help me convey.
Ive never felt so betrayed at once - in a single moment…
Still stunned - more lost refugee. Lifelines:
Kristen my rock immediately cut off as part of this thing - When was the last time any threats over text?
What I know and she does as well - foundation of recovery is self awareness./ agency- reprcoesss and apply responsibility.
It has helped me huge - so I have a very hard time when the foundation of my illness management
With you goes Boidie and the emotional support animals, I love my dogs and it hurts. Me not to be around.
I understand and agree the mania has run a little wild - and I gladly agreed to addressed.
You know what the recording showed and that they left without immediate harm and then strategically informed others you hadn't prior.
Honestly - Im running through records - when was the last time anything of negative substance happened on phone or text? But Im banned from contacting you in time of absolute crisis, abandonment and very negative thgouths… I know I can have it removed, discussed with multiple attorneys - simple there are 2 dates with incidents - 11/12 - which was completely disrpvored through audio and confirmed by allowing me to stay. Rest is either grasping or I didnt know and yes - I dont consider it a headbut, but more defense out of space - but nonetheless, our head did touch almost a year prior. There is nothing here - the most telling things 100% is they came and left leaving me. But I Chose to exit on my own as a healthy.
No clue when any threats - I was always ready and willing..
I know it pissed you off to high heaven I shared around that audio.
But it claims direct opposite of what you claimed to the cops. If I dint have, would have been arrested on bogus.
So after suddenly losing contact with a massive support and my love during mental health weirdness. -
Support Disintegrated -
Brandon / Caitlin - betrayal and no trust
Parents blamed me for everything - when shown the audio… her screaming and cussing is my fault.. where mine is my disgusting language.
Another massive loss - a huge source of pain and issue with my parents over the years is default choosing my ex Christina - opened their home to her (because of kids) - I understand, but they didnt know her knitting and scheming, finally about 18 months ago - after the kids complete distant, gone with no explanation -
For the first time, I felt my parents had my back.. They expressed frustration with her, my dad called her a 'Piece of work' - I broken down crying many times because I didnt understand, I begged to kms why and he didnt care to tell me.
Just gone…
So 1 year ago, they are fully allgned with me.
May 25 - huge blowout with mom. - because van told me Parker hung out, no one told me my brothers, dad ,it was coordinated not to tell me (and Alpine) hiddent and found through snap - opting messaging,
So Tim Dropped Nashville
Whole start of fight was the cruise which I miss out on..
I was already willing to go anyways…
To lose everything in a snap with your knowledge.
Then loft Brandon - total surpise,
Parents - insta blame, disdain disgust returns..
Ryan and Tine not going to be welcome there.
Had to get hotel in hometown.
WHY are you so angry?
After feeling everything eroded and being right back - I could barely hold it together.
This will be well articulated with counselor to communicate out which im exited about.
But - im sure everyone knows - 'Kristen got a restraining order on Darrin' - im instantly GUILTY until prove innocent.
We have confirmed, evidence, documentation that Wednesday was a non issue and the other from a year prior, no immediate threat. I proudly own my piece, desperately - but when something like this is tied to my name when we know at least some is complete lies as provable in the fact the cops left and marked a non issue.
What is so sad is how they simply cannot see it… any improvement or difference that last time…. \
These sprititual / tools / gifts - "Know Thyself" - must be based on honesty/ and it throws me off if its allowed to stay even after I have agreed to go to treatment to balance out. It is NOT fair because it's made of crap, flimsy -
I know you've seen improvement paver the 12+ years - I am far from perfect ad obvious the illness birth with gets better. But compared to early - night and day and I thank kGod for showing and teaching me tools… as I have mentioned -
Sp to literally lose all at once - all support… (Thankfully Tim has been checking in, but felt rejected) -
Brandon kills me..
Default NOT Darrin - was such a massive source of pain for so long and finally correct
This was on full display - unwelcome
All family love, those feelings of abandonment I finally worked through with hundred of therapy session cause it fucked me so hard
I did not pass or do anything with the rest - it was astonishing how everything gone in one swoop - my greatest fears - we kist Monday. / Tuesday talked about deep rooted abandonment issues.
Then I tried to connect to Kheri and she was gracious enough to listen - its her sister…
Bodie - I thought he was s direct witness - (he knew that night was not yelling and slamming) and saw them come, receive accusation, and then leave. He could have defended me.
More hurtful strategy - just total beat downs..
You know that I have gone to Mexico and taken sustemnon before -
Greg like to down there..
Its just a Test booster for people on regular TRT and need something to holdover so you dont dip
Hormone Dr aware and said fine between.
On TRT. - regular, treatment will continue and monitor - it is VERY important like I said.
This is my issue - I was being screamed at ( no judgement, its been a lot over the years) -
Kristen knows there are HOT buttons that would panic people and assumptions flying.\
After all this defeat, loss of support etc… afraid no one will be held account because I went to treatment
I pray we can still acknowledge al parts… its very healthy for us…
You saw the journey and my commitment to health physical, meds, etc.
Compared to those early moments, vast improvement, understanding oneself, etc…
You also witnessed many months leading up to my full spinal reconstruction - I was in so much pain (sitting in Mesina) - I had to take LOTS of opiate pain meds to function. It was extra cautions… I was clear and transparent with you. I always know if they found out, Id need to tap her into have my back - always extra, honest, no detox - this is one of the many GOD given impossible tools I was given during these rebuild process - I understood the root cause, therefore it was easy to focus on utility and NEVER let the hooks in. After a successful 4 year hiatus where I was kicked out for being suck a drunk fat slop or she saw us change 7 urgent cares in 1 day- she knows the difference seen it - even my back surgery, HUGE amount of opiates.. got off them, taper no problem… that's not supposed to happen - I never once deviated… I was quite proud and comes from Jesus only..
But instead, knowing it would behave an absolute grenede, panic unducitng - tell my parents without any backup mentiomne.d
They immediate things its like before, totally turned away. YOU KNOW it was NOT and IS not a problem. It's a miracle, I still need to be careful.
Then based on what you leaked out of context because Bodie informed - im all juiced up on steoid my dad yelling at me… no defense… some back bathroom in Mexico etc - another blinded - we know my test levels on floor and bad for health and brain steady, was on try from online provide - went away, switched to local, she ordered but still gonna be long lapse, levels even lower - told her what we took in Mex she said that's find a booster. but stops when comes in..
Immediate assumtions, more pile on…
Same thing with the Xanax - I, not sure your intent. You know that I get an emergency formal XANAX subscription - I always have one me… I dont like zombie meds. Def not anymore. GREG asked if we could go down there, we were browsing someone offering and they were DIRT< I was already stocking up more med and then that is used against me???
I was told I was unhealthy hyper and skinny because of all the Xanax - which is hilarious
Assumeions, judement etc…
So my ride or die, the one that has mentioned many issues with some people - have to pass messages and you were tossing these over.
This is one of the things I am most excited about - explain to therapist- and work with him to communicate, I think I just cannot communicate right now now….
I am over the top adamant about clearing my name.
I know my name and rep completely tarnished all over town - again in this scenario its GUILTY until Proven innocent -
I willingly am going. she has been my love and lifeline for so long…
All this things to pile after what you know? Randomly much years old never mentioned, but now strategically, out of context without defense.
Im blamed about how violent and out of control I am - in the midst of all of this - Ive had guns the whole time… its under control - I know myself, Ive evolved and she has seen it first hand compared
So of course - now I immediately stopped the light percocet script out of wanted zero leverage or mention and show I can toggle on / off - God willing -
He tells me "You dont NEED it' - his back was mine 2 surgeries ago, while it hurts.. its NOTHING like the fused, reconstructed area, NOTHING - plus Im deathly allergic to NSAIDs - he takes IB 800s ALL day with a much lesser injury.
so in the midst of all this chaose barely holding on. Keep my stuff on Lock.
Now in excruitioning, pain -
Feels like no empathy or benefit of the doubt. Ever -
Literally each and every support structure collapsed down all at once with no warning.
It felt like I was begin heavily pushed to suicide… but thank God - on lock.
Tim, Brandon, Ryan, Parents, Bodie, Tyler, Kheri, and BABE - TEN.
Would it have been all that surprising.
But nope, I was taught a bunch of f tools - more for my writing…
That's defatting - where I have evolved, learned, she has seen both sides - I see them as blessings from God I want to share.
Another evolution I had to point out again. - which I really which we would stop and acknowledged 0 -
It's just so wrong and from you, an impossibly. It directly or indirectly ripped all support structure down at once.
As if everything couldnt get bad enough -It has been beyond devastating that my son will not talk to me, or my family for the most part and could never even provide a reason. The single most pain felt of my life.. well now until this one give the sum total.
Lack of truthfullness is what KILLS me. I have evolved and learned so much - im a walking miracle, all a gift from God. You know about my connection moment - you know the shift… the new journey I was still learning.. nothing like that had happened.. Truly believe it confirms my story - to pull me off.
That is where my know thyself tool comes in, one of many - God given gifts.
That is a source of immeasurable pain as you know - the abrupt loss of my children after supporting, fighting to survive for them. Without an explanation, I could barely handle it. It was never given.
Things with my parents had been generally well for quite some time - It was the most repression, happiest thing to hear "we understand where you are coming from with Christina" and dad called her a "piece of work" there is no judgment here but obviously you have seen some of the BS first hand. It felt like took long, but my parents finally had my back. They too were devastated that Parker vanished, which extends to Ellie. He had no contact with anyone. It devastated me for years, as if I hadnet been through enough, to lose a son, have him elect to cut off… Parents and rest of family devastated too.. we were aligned, then we made a deal - if ANYONE has contact with him, we share. I also passed report cards cause I had that. My mom say me collapse into the follow in pure sadness. She knows what I survived to be there for those kids.
Yet after finally feeling alignment - I find out from my little nephew that Parker hung out recently.. I was blown away many emotions, but mostly total defeat and lack of my side, once again. Then worsens when I asked more details, mom said it was so short, inconsequential, 20 mins. Only to find out that he stayed the night. Yes, I flopped out - but I thought I was aligned, wed informs all around, to being blatantly lied to and my flip out to betrayal, lying and hottest button.
If all these wasn't bad enough - lost every tiny piece of support by default -
People that ALWAYS had my back, no matter what either vannished or legaliy walled themselves out.. My other supports canceled the vital trip, and the last def prioritized women first.
Let I remind you - I have spent 10-20 hours per week willingly. To help her sister right now… I know it's her sister - thought truth defense… I love Bodie and have been setting a path and teaching him for da9ly, builds a company for him - and working toward that goal.
Sheri - golf cart CA nightmare, back and forth - only to have to get Steve to do final because I had a final injection and told, 'no thanks to you' after spending 30 hours trying… was tough..
It was like the worst of everything at once
NO benefit of the doubt whatsoever
NO defense.
I cannot believe I feel this low, I can't believe ALL supports snipped at once -Then more lost opportunities
Worry no agency.
I think what crushed my soul the most - Is feeling absolutely NO support, trust - defensiveness for me after confirming BS -
Yes. Im sure I was mean or did something - but not that night, the cops left with me there with total cirtaintly .
Never felt such lack of support at once.
If I knew Tine called cops lied to have Ryan arrested… .I would be LIVID - and then someone sneaks in some bogus one - which can be proven - I would go nuts in defense of my brother -
My parent know they are fake and not tue- but still its my fault - I dont understand that..
That's why it felt like I was being pushed to suicide, FUCK YOU satan - all at once.
All my historic support turned including my love, my rock.
Even now, missing everything, still in tons of pain - etc…. I am willingingly going - and asked to raise this thing because we know its shit and it was to prompt me to go… I was going, I never threaded, bogus call old news now, manipulated - I think its fair to get that thing off..
Dad did not have back -
Week prior was defending my employer by defaults, etc..
Every time thing done was excused or justified -
Then the killers - after all of that with the kids - learning to find joy and not let it ruin life. I NEVER 1 time exploded yelled, touched him. Nothing. He wiped my world out, near suicide multiple times. Showed kindness / love and without explaining straight ghost enabled by ex…
Deal was we have contact, we inform -they have contact and made a strategic effort to NOT tell me, mom said 20. Mins it was overnight. I was lied to direct about the most hurtful thing in your life life… Felt like whole family betrayed and lied to me.. that rocked me…
Then most recently -in the midst of all this turmoint - I am told that Parkers absent 2 years was indeed MY fault bease I wrote some nasty letter to Christina. This is something I would NEVER do as I know anything in writing is locked in and can be used.
I used 4 LLM tools to scan - there is NOTHING of the sort, last email 2 years ago…
Fracture started when she refused to listen to witness and accused my brother of beaten predator as he like the hot tub… Which I astoltuely flipped beau's my brother.. Christina strategically flips to speaker and it severely damages my relationship with my son. All by design, now some random thing found? Not true I completely challend.
Dad goes on the defend Christina and said ' she did the best she could'
Holy shit
Ive told you sometimes it feels like you kick me when im down. 0 this is the lowest of my life, sudden, wrongdoing;.. \
Remember this - I drop have an abundance of self control opposite what is communicated - you have never been hit or I snapped - the last physical altercation we had was you hitting me in Hawaii which I have document.
Many dude have trouble controlling themself and hit, react to woman. I am wired completely different manic rage inside - something much harder to control… but I have. Just in Hawaii as you were hitting me I wrapped my arms around you and said stop. Other times were in what I considered defense - my family things zero defense as well and that's its moving forward. Still you know you hit me and I gracefully stopped you yet all of this? Lost retreats, ne chance to denfend - all at once…
Revisionist History everywhere now -
When confronted Dad about his fights with mom as a kid - zero ownership, acceptance - denial then agreeing 1 show was thrown. This is completely NOT true - far from. WE heard it often, remotes a lamp and other things thrown.
Again - I could barely handle it when no one was being honest. How do improve ir no5 honest.
He claims next to nothin thrown but so much was I know 100%.
Same with the physical altercations as a kid. He does NOT remember them, I can describe in detail - the trauma burned in each time. How do you forgive and move on if denied even happened? Rought.
He claims hands 1 itime - I reminded of the beating post ambulance, going into drywall next to laundry room, thew the hallway door - AGAIN -no judgement - but impact my healing if he won't recognize. Then when you read these wrongly levels accusations - holy shit. We are all human, things get heated - as I reference. I did NOT -
I called out multiple fights with dad after he denied… n
Why is everyone else from to deny when I must accept and they still dont see that…
It really felt like something pushing me over - this is too much, too wrong and heavy.
Ive slept in my car for 4 nights - have some cloths - NONE of my back tools - inversion, upside down situp 0 - bouncing around cause not welcome. And can't take big Pain meds because of the leak without context…
It all was almost too much.. like a wounded animal..
Im being told or will be told its ALL in love - but its very hard to believe that when you know what you know -
I appreciate everything family does, what you do to be there…
Bt when I point out some super fucked patterns that still repeat.. rescratched the wound and I ma tabled as bitter grudger hole
When you told everyone I just ran off to Scottsdale - you neglected to tell them what really happened… I was in a spun out crisis and you made it immediately apparent not your problem, I handed you a list of the formal symptoms hope for empathy, and you tell me, 'what do you want me to do about it' - the seperateooj of responsibility
That's why it's very important to me, how im wired, my recovery that full honesty all around.
My absolute worst fear is the eternal villain (I won my part) but fear is EVERYTHING wiped away because I needed balancing. It prohibits me from advance and getting better.
This treatment proves it, self fulfilling prophecy -
THE WORST PART OF saying yes and GOING - Is its now and easy way for all this pain, hurt and betrayal at once to be justified..
Replying over and over - All the other events, I had a good chunck of blame… not maintain routing, meds, diet, etc…
I am a hardened person also because I was a sweet, king young boy and was tortured and beat up as a you kid by some legal adults - -SO had to harden and shield from trauma.
Then I developed late onset BiPolar1 - which came from Dads side…. THEEEEEN. Incoming Anxiety w Massive Panic Attacks - they are already terrible enough as is but mania on top supercharges…. Like drinking 100 coffees… but then you learn to recognize and control. What was once am 'episode' can now be navigated easily and no hospirtal trip because of your experience and tools.
I was lost and never published much because I was obsessed with format and then did shit…
What's crazy is now I have more motivation than ever….
I am going to start dumping Data en masse…
Remember 4 years chaos, variants, shit diet, no gym, limited booze. After second psych hospitalization - got lost, almost died (again) and forcibly committed 5150. Literal HELL on earth.
Incredible experience after 7 days awake.
Much of this was journaled or documented in the moment,… Was mentioned format , but really this sense of "So What" - is repeating - I agreed.
Top 2 most terrifying experiences of my life (it was in LA) especially cause no doors allowed and the super crazies would roam in your room at night. Welcome to Hell
But - I survived - by God's grace… made it through that too…
Then came the most profound spiritual moment Ive had since 15 - 27 years. After feeling him, knowing he was carrying me. BU I was a shithead and not surrendering - I had a direct contact moment that changed everything.
Therre were waves of why-me sadness questions - seeing other families with no explanation. Done dirty, often…
O w\\\
Then had had a mental spiritual spin out, it was a great and needed reveal, but at the moment, really hurt….
I documented up and down - it was an absolute gift from God I felt like I hadmnt felt or connection in 30 years at that moment. I had a strong spritual foundation due to Christina scheool .youth group… I always believed Christ my Savior - but quite hardened through so much expoienerce. - now ive been given a vision for the why of all my suffering - if he brought me closer to Him, full stop all out and/or HELPS others, WORTH It"
Its community of shared experience - whether parts or all.
So now I had it - I was so angry, bitter and all rage all the time because there were so many examples of trauma, lies, \
So - after 11 years of writing but no structure and direction. Had this spiritual awakening - and int clicks. I have all the writings at time of trauma, revery through, document to share and help other. I felt Got showed me how it all comes together and deliver a highly effected testimony.
As an example - all my psychiatric stuff came on late so had to learn real fast and hold on..
Still- SO MANY Treaement CENTERS and programs. Didnt like much of it, but I always stored the nuggets that resonated and help in panic moment. I had toolbox collection of all my 'gifts' during a panic attack 3.3.24 - it was wild, echoing attach, night more is progressive. - wit embedded teaching, each was easier to control and get out of than the prior…
All theses philosophies from mountain of exposure via treament center class over time. This has NOT been easy, action quite the nightmare. Followed by the next, I said my rock bottoms always have a trap fin door as was just proven.
Some of the tools, gifts is so profound and I have NO recollection but lived used it forever to maintain when many wouldment.
Even my regime.. was military because I knew the importance and couldn't get squirly
8 years nothing, no emergency, broken things, psych hospital. -
Now here is the crazy irony -
You saw fisrt hand - how I was before
How it was after.
Panic attacks fuels by Manic episode - hard to find words.
But they slowly became manageable, I believe I was given ways, methods to overpower the infinite spiral and crack the loop, Stop the panic. I believe God came be a tool - need to share.
Felt like purse - like it could help.
But I guess it's real Lise.
It feels like im tortured all the time..
All the losses, no explaining, trauma, no sides of Darrin..
Reason I married Christina, all centered on what mom/dad did and repeating.
Christina was my friend and cool. I believe I loved her and not the other way around. Since I was so separate to score points w parents - that was once committed to (other stuff obvi) but still im the only onc that follow the rules and its used against me?
Then when I realize that a new wife that sits as far as possible on couch, or washes hands after holding yours, wipes mouth if I got a kid. Constant Rejection. My BiPolar was brand new, this was so sad, depressing, felt doomed for no love ever. Could take month long stretches as newly weds, horrible sign, no true affection, total conned, Locked in hell forever because 100% parents and family wold lock me out if I left her regardless..
I was going annul it, no kids yet,,, didnt work out.. I Know id kill myself if I stayed with her, I can be rmevingded of an underlying trauma, all the time.
This show my life is - Did You know we had sex1 single time for month long spans as newlyweds as my yearly Treat, .MY birthday April 19, 2007 - 1 time in months, Im beyond misserable
That's it, can't leave now - it is what it is. I did was I was taught , I manned up and stayed, but with the prime intent, beaciase I loved my son so much, I stuck around through suicide inducing neglect and passive hate so you would not be an only child, It was for Parker and of course happy it meant Ellie came along. Tried so hard to make it work with Christina, she just didnt care, she always insinuated she wanted to be a mother more than wife, so there's that…
Total miracle, Grace of God im Even Alive -Ive been stifled, and I need to get it to pass along as His witness and help others.
The irony -and total belief I have now. Kristen, you know Ive said this a few times. Some of the random bickering, friction was due to you hearing something or assuming something and me doing
I would say, 'SOMETHING is Attacking Us' - part of my connection, my vision showed me all darkness let loose, like a spastic swarm of black smokey creatures… so much more, so dense, so distruptio - that was the intent..
I still cannot wrap my head around this givens pieces I know and given the fact I have felts loose and gradually more manic and emoiton and as verified - even unLIKE the 2 other times when I was choosing something destructive that controlled me
This is what I need to work on- there's so much history, insane statistics, over and over again - I always asked why, because so many times torn down and reubuilt… build IRON fortitude without knowing.
This is ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD and HIS son Jesus - He allowed me to survive some of these incredible moments.
I dont want to make this about me — and was part of hesitation, now it bliss time.
Now I really have motivation to finishi the entire thing..
Bumms me out - we all saw old Darrin, ignorance was bad, out of control..d.
This is a God gift that I have these tools that let me toggle, stopped obsessing ny of this that would trigger immediate relapse in most? Again not me!! Now I know why - I can prove it - another use of Know Thyself
Totally understand they are scared - but Kristen knew that I was 100% transparent, never took excess, asked for more, no old habits because I had so many lessons, approaches and pholosopjoes buried. Gifts.
Yet another tool for witness - that is the new mindset…
I have yet to stop reading my Bible, journaling heave\y, all organizatically, the spiritual moment was breathtaking profound.. .
This too will be detailed but after ALL the chaos you will learn about - thinking too much happened, FAR from God, Trash Christian. He corrected all of that in the moment. I will explain in detail. I felt that shift that peace. However, I will admit that the cruise would touch on a lot of very sensitive buttons centered around abandonment, kids… and learned no plans - really hit me hard because all those devastated core beliefs from youth trauma -
I was tired of being alone so much when I had a wife, I was tire of not hearing my my kids still and no reason given,Life crushing, but move on, adapt, compartmentalize, keep going.. grabbing more tools getting better dealing with episodes, flairs not just through e God given tools through group, lessons, treatment, etc that are effective.
It felt like a calling - these are almost hard to believe stories, but I can clearly see God in them much more now.
I had a vision, learned things and gained relief I never thought possible…
Huge lesson is line of sight and the infestation swarm trying to mess it up.
I was being pulled off momentum of my writing, I was obsession of framework…
Something was attacking us. We bickered - you heard get a job, when I meant have backup cleaner…
Like some dark force disrupting, Thats part of the vision…
Look what happened - my hottest button is the kids by miles, when it first started, you saw I didnt know how to deal with the pain and no explanation. You know my abandonment issues - the only thing we fought about was this stupid cruise.. It hits my most sensitive never and things go way off track,,
Still you know the claims are false and the cops left without concern…
I have so so so much to be sorry for….
This is part of the revelation - you saw me obsessing and writing 0-
Then this attack all at once?!?!
Then given the last 2 treatment centers. You were my rock star support - even when deserved completely and I thanked you for kicking me out - while devastated you remained in toouch and kind….
So I worked my ass back etc etc…
The last treatment centers were more centered on dependence, zero control and awareness - You know I have been open with you and you know how it was before, you know God gave me an awareness and totally lost obsession. I had to take a ton as you saw leading up to my surgery, then even more after and then no issues taper and done. This is not supposed to happen… but again, centers on the GOd give self awareness.
Since then I have been on the same pattern,
I barely got into this spiritual moment - but I told you I wanted to tell you how I felt at different times in our marriage.
I told you it changed everything. You are a Gpd send angel considering all of it. I honestly didnt know I loved you this much, it hurts to write this - yes, it wasn't. Overwhealmenti at the beginning, I didnt notice the progression but He showed me…. I was sad because I thought I did another haphazard decision. But it was divine - His hand 100% - that's what I wrote about and was going to tell you/ Blew my mind and perspective . Made me fall in love with you 10x - I just obsessed over perfect wording formation over and over - I hadn't shown you - I should have thanked you 1000x more - think of all we went through, survived with you by my side…. everythinh had has a purpose, by Design.
I know you know there was a change since then - you saw my in the Bible, journal and chasing church naturally,,
I swear attacked…..
Most hurtful loss of my life - the kids with no explanation, still learned to contain and evolve to survive… you saw on this.. there was evolution adapt to trauma over and over.
Then fired ny Dad. Living trailer - she lumps the abamdonment - sore subject
Something Dark fucked with he one thing
Screw the cruise - that was to button and destroyed the new peace -
I honestly think there is something Dark interfering, from understanding, presuppositions, simultaneous loss of all support.
Everything sideways..
Now ive agreed to go because of a biological change… that thing is based on lies and trashes my reputation and won't lift it? I could eassi;y via lawyers I confirmed.. but I dont want to fight anything..
Again - thanks be to God he gave me strength to perservere and rely heave on him
SO now the story is stronger - here I am thinking im ready to go cause all pain, feelings of betrayal were long gone…
Every other massive crisis ive had a few lifelines… most impactful, my wife - I didnt thank her enough…
But since the Brandon recording, the reponssd from my family was angry at me… while I through a false report to hurt your son would be more of concern. There are tons of valid points, I was BORN liked this.. Ive endured and survived things people shouldn't. Miracle after Miracle. Endurance — I developed a major psychiatric problem very late was still learning. Meds and stabilizing -
I am so sorry I didnt not appreciate you enough - I hope you look at what I have this fur…
Again - I had never felt closer, you had been my rock, My beautiful; gift - cause history list is insane.
I told you you are part of the story…