Memoir of a M8N1AC: Chaos to Peace

After years of complete physical, mental, emotional and spiritual torment, all the endless pondering, In a single night, I was hit with a spiritual freight train—a true demarcation point in my story. This wasn't a gentle nudge; it was a furious, radical before v after moment that changed everything.

Feeling totally defeated after surviving so many tribulations, yet I was still stumbling in the dark. I felt without purpose to match the agony and shear effort to survive and rebuild after many life shattering events, over and over. This purpose came with a fury. I thought I was forgotten, hated even - what I was shown was the complete invert.

I could finally see God's plan, strategic and progressive, operating from multiple angles and dimensions I couldn't perceive nor understand. I felt hate, He replaced it with profound love. My pain was converted into purpose. The entire torment puzzle of my life suddenly snapped into place, illuminated, with all the ' connecting events. This was a divine strategy unfolding, specifically designed to fortify me and draw me closer to Him.

The Foundry of Fortitude: Trials That Built Resilience

Let's delve into the specific tribulations that shaped me. I've endured some true nightmare scenarios affecting many different facets of my life, each one forging incredible fortitude in me:

Mental: Late onset severe mental health condition, BiPolar1 with mania & psychosis as well as generalized anxiety with panic disorder, resulting in 5150 hospitalizations, fentanly addition, multiple rehab stints, panic attacks, loss of touch with reality (psychosis), countless physical injuries due to lack of diagnosis when younger, medication carousel and burdened with the constant monitoring & managing my bipolar disorder forever.
Emotional: family unsteadiness/belief of inequity, manipulated marraige, divorce, deaths, abandonment, including same biological children I worked so hard to recover in each of these scenarios, only to have them effectively die as they refuse contact, explanation for years and counting.
Physical: Countless hospitalizations, abulances, surgeries, fentanyl/opiate addiction/recovery, many various traumas. Including: catastrophic spinal injury (3x surgeries), 25 bone breaks, 10 surgeries total, fractured jaw, broken teeth, countless stiches, concussions, ruptured organ, emergency sinus surgery, knees damaged, severed fingers, dislocations, shattered hand requiring 4 surgeries total.

While navigating these core challenges, my professional life added another layer of complexity. As the oldest son in my family, my professional carrer was mapped, I worked with the hope of eventually taking over my family's electrical contracting company— a path that seemed set and stable. However, when things with my wife at the time went south, all the wheels fell off at once. In one devastating moment, I lost my job, career, wife, home, and my kids. Reduced to living in a trailer, alone, broken and isolated. However, I pivoted... I started a new career as a junior software consultant in a brand new field.

Somehow, through what I now see as God's hand, the tiny bit of experience produced a seed that grew into an 11-year run at LinkedIn, a subsidiary of Microsoft and a very solidified carrer in Silicon Valley, big tech. I hope this career rebirth adds profound weight to my story, especially as I realize my perserverance was God given even while not living alongside and really demonstrating how loss can lead to fortitude and even when odds stacked against, success can be found, perserverance had and a peacful acceptance.

As a result of this revelation, I learned the absolute key is a complete and total spiritual connection— with key on minimized influence from this shit world.

God's grace was/is on full display; He showed me how He'd been with me through my whole nightmare journey. I beleived it deep down, but as typical, doubt crept in.

This moment miraculously remedied every sadness, unanswered question, heartache, chronic anger, regret, guilt and doubt I'd accumulated over the years. I was shown answers to it ALL and how this single revelation provided an universally applied answer.

I learned that the KEY is the combination of mental health tools with total spiritual surrender. Each panic attack, psychosis event and manic episode, was always seen as merely a psychitric event. However, approaching the episode from BOTH mental and spiritual aspects showed me the way.

The first panic was total fear, expecting death 2nd became a vision of the root cause Thereafter became more incremental progress, connecting to this moment and to Him. These episodes weren't random as originally thought over 20 years, rather strategic, each crisis teaching more and posturing for the next until we reached the recent revelation, which created a total connection. This progressive instruction, which once felt like torment, was showcased to me as divine strategy intended to mold ME, showcase thoughfulness and deepen my reliance on Jesus.

Mania-induced psychosis mixed with anxiety induced panic attack overlays is nothing short of pure hell... the miracle I speak of is the fact it was converted into a divine tool. He allowed these episodes to fortify and teach me, guiding me to develop a hybrid mental and spiritual health strategy. I truly believe the tools learned were a progressive process enabled by God, originally fixated on mental health, it wasnt until I embedded spiritual health everything came into alignment, revealing the plan all along.

One provided tool is the notion of, "Know Thyself"— which is not quoted in the Bible, yet after years of treaments, near death episoides, it became a central mantra - not by accident. I felt compelled to live by that philosophy. It became a key tactic during many mental and emotional fortification. This was a gift from God without knowing, I later felt compelled to tattoo it on my left arm as a reminder.

This has been massively impactful, it's a multi-faceted tool: If I'm discouraged or missing hope, it reminds me to think of what you've endured - I know should've been dead long ago and those experiences bolster my resolve in the current situation. Another useful method, when frustration flips the auto rage setting, "Know Thyself" prompts a pause, stimulates breathing, prompts me to know my disorder and bipolar predispositions, to live life knowing thyself

The final 'tool' revealed was the last message from Keith, tattooed in his handwriting: "Calm." As I was in the state of emotional overwhealming, when I was observing these 'gifts', I looked, I heard Keith's voice clear as day in that spiritual moment. I knew I was connecting spritually to something else outside of me. I felt connected, the shedding the tethers as the darkness left me.

The Empty Pursuits and Building Rage

Shifting from these building blocks of fortitude, this pattern of survival often led to hollow victories that fueled deeper frustration. After falling into most of life's ultimate pitfalls, I'd recover with His strength, only to lose more and hurt deeper. I hit superficial goals—dream car, big finances, motorcycles and other toys, exquisite travel, Michelin-star restaurants in NY, SF, Italy—but none brought joy. It all felt empty, meaningless, like I was stuck in a reality I couldn't escape. I felt shortchanged in so many ways, without explanation. My ex-wife manipulated the kids away from myself and entire family, therefore I effectively lost them without even a simple explanation, they just did not want me. This caused other unexpected affects including a new hatred for things I'd loved all my life: holidays, family events, vacations—anything with complete families.

Life wasn't happy days and sad ones anymore; it was just different shades of gray. Joy wasn't real thing; I felt like I was waiting to die, no light left. I was pissed, raging, crushed, asking, "Why pull me from death's door so many times? What's the point? Prolonged agony?"

Evidence was obvious once macro position understood, I craved heavy, angry music and intense gym sessions to blow off the unbridled manic rage. I carried that fire throughout my body—pent-up electric energy all the time. My head, temples, jaw clenched; chest tight; heart wrapped in concrete—for decades, building after each injury. Human self-pity kicked in: "Why me? Haven't I suffered enough? The busted brain, stretched and broken; relearning life after intense opiate detox; kids who don't want me?" It maximized hurt, drove pure rage. Even work had no joy or fulfillment - I felt I gave up all of my dreams, grasping for whatever I could find to pay bills and support kids. Joy leaked out of what I once loved: food, sex, movies, vacations— down to various shades of gray. Nothing excited me; tries fell flat. Booze and drugs? had zero effect nor desire. This was my mental state heading into the first reveal.

The Crack and The Snap: Revelation

This building rage reached a boiling point during my time in Hawaii, where the emotional dam finally cracked. Hawaii is where the last puzzle piece locked in, in terms of mystery. I'd just told Kristen I hadn't truly cried in 3 years— I'd locked my heart and emotions in a box for survival. However, during this trip, something broke wide open; I turned into an emotional wreck, feeling His good presence AND many dark ones. Digging deep, reason I overthought is from the feeling of a complete dad fail, needing to know if I'd done one good thing or if it was all waste. This moment took me back through my whole history, reliving and understanding my first major trauma as a poor 9-year-old boy and the chain reactions it started. No instant relief, just more sadness and agony thinking everything endured started at this domino.

Carrying that raw vulnerability from Hawaii, the breakthrough of understanding —the SNAP—unfolded the following weekend in San Diego. This time was different, I had experienced/survived reveals and manic moments through tools God provided, allowing me to maintain control. However, this night I slid into an existential, out-of-body state where He met me during chaotic psychosis. I could see all psychiatric/emotional episodes connected by grand design: a God-given tool to teach handling my powerful, abnormal brain.

My eyes opened; I saw everything with new clarity. A massive reveal was the "God View"— a max zoom out, providing total frame of reference. I had a vision of heavenly and earthly planes: heavenly bright with God, Jesus, cross glow; earthly with countless waves of darkness released, creating barriers, disrupting connectivity to Christ. I could see His perspective, I was shown all the major events of my life, positive and negative - I could clearly see the intent behind each action small or large. I could see that He was with me each step of the way. Where I felt alone, I could clearly see, I was anything but.

As mentioned, my first panic attack was hell, I was convinced I was dying while the second one provided an visualization of the effect upon me - an endless, constantly accelerating infinite figure 8 representing the endless cycle of panic attacks. The 3rd (and those following) taught gave me an envision a glowing white radiant cross shattering the dark evil figure 8 loop of panic, taking victory over dark

I was overwhelmed with devotion, adoration at the thoughtfulness of His plan. I wasn't abandoned—I was loved and protected. Many random tattoos, jewelry, things I thought haphazard were showcased as His influence the whole way. My cross necklace, sitting atop the thick chain, represented the cross dominating the "8" loop. I cast out dark, evil everything in His name—first time it sank deep, real prayer. I felt like a glass bottle with black smoke exiting my body. Now I had the revelation: all suffering born not in hate, but love from Him.

Back home, the lynchpin: the SNAP, total moment with God. Drew connections between past events, revealing divine connection and planning: each manic panic episode, a progressive lesson. All pain to purpose—not hate, but love. I willingly abandoned old recurring sins, endless tears, holding my cross necklace, staring at the cross on my wall, reaching for my Savior.

I was all in, now and always. Once the connection made, I clearly heard, "Welcome back, WE'VE missed you." Zero second guesses, zero doubt, pure sure. In hindsight, I know how profound the connection was as I immediately crumbled, wanting to bow, looping 'Im sorry' over and over. It wasnt thought through in advance but a reflex reaction. I humbly confessed, Im not worthy of this, Im a "Trash Christian," and He said that's exactly why He wants my story used. Societal constructs don't matter; the heart is key. I also learned demons were ALLOWED to torment, invade—intentionally causing trials by fire. My mind, for the first time in decades, was quiet and at peace The air shifted, decades of burden lifted.

I was knocked back strategically at the most inopportune times to intentionally wear my character and test resolve. The God View showed the wide perspective: clear vision of heavenly, earthly plans - while heavenly was beautiful & bright, the earthly with overwhelmed with demons swarming, a nonstop flood of ghostly, smokey-dark demons.

Biblical Insights on Suffering and Trials

This journey of trials and the ultimate snap aligns seamlessly with what Scripture teaches about suffering.

Romans 5:3-4 captures the purpose of suffering perfectly: "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." My pain built endurance, forged character, and now wells up unshakeable hope—spiritual weight training making me more like Jesus Christ.
James 1:2-4 speaks of joyful endurance: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Joy isn't in the trials themselves, but in knowing they test faith and build perseverance for spiritual maturity.
1 Peter 4:12-13 speaks to the expectation of fiery trials: "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you... But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings." Hardship is normal, sharing in Christ's sufferings, building connection to Him.

What Changed: How It Feels Now

With these biblical truths anchoring the transformation, the shifts in my daily life have been profound and immediate. Can't quit writing—old traumas now mean positive, showing God's plan. No anxiety—decades gone. I always had daily jaw grind, total manic stress ball. Now, He says "Caaaaallm," voice soft; view shifted—no snap anger or rage.

I'm a true black-white bipolar: Life looked inverted before—twisted gloom, depression, dark. SNAP flipped to the light side. Mind quiet, focused; now total control by God's grace. Naturally changed: no desire for old heavy rock rage music. Not anxious, kind to drivers on road, everything has changed.

As I felt hopeless, asking why no incremental relief? His clear response: "Of all people, you know absolutes, black/white, true/false, all/nothing." He knew that's what I respond to, absolutes Attacks enable existential float out-of-body experience - I drew closer to God each time, new lessons and tools. Drain hate, fear, sadness and dark from soul while openomg to receive His goodness.

I begged Jesus —use me, my story, I want to help others by broadcasting my experience. After years of noise, anger, chaos and constant buzzing—Jesus answered all completely, at once - connected in totality.

The Divine Mandate: Exposing Strategy and Inspiring Hope

This final section is the core motivation: exposing the divine impact and revealing God's strategy, rooted in Christ's influence

The Motivation: Divine Strategy and Christ's Influence

This newfound peace culminates in a full reconnection, pointing toward a greater calling. I realized EVERYTHING had purpose everything! Learned by design, built through fire. He had to break my mind, spirit, body, heart— CRUSHED it—not out of hate, but love, a revelation, this was by design. My prayer for years during hell: endure to do good.

The key to this revelation lies in Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Keyword "ALL"—all things I felt wasted had purpose. It was waiting to unlock: total submission, drop sinful actions. The SNAP: single answer for everything, rationalized through new lens clearing the demonic clutter blocking connection to God and Christ.

Walking Through the Trials and Inspiring Hope

The very trials that nearly destroyed me—the fires, medical items, and mental chaos—are now the foundation of my purpose: to walk others through their pain and inspire hope.

The Gifted Toolkit: I was gifted awareness of the enemy, way to defeat—8/T. Gifted tools and a hyper brain to recall, apply, navigate, and control: pulling out of panic spirals efficiently. This control, evolved by the grace of Lord Jesus, is what I share. Self-awareness, existential perspective changes dynamic: before stuck inside, now "floating" outward where the connection happens.
The Hope on the Other End: I feel purpose, memory, intent—dropped regrets, knowing what to do. Built back better in all metrics (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)—not perfect, but have the answer to "what for?" Grateful, blessed, thankful plan all along. Due to our Holy Lord, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, I've reintroduced my soft, kind heart—locked in a steel box for years. I refused to end as wasted as life felt, double tragedy.
A Weaponized Story: My book shows the black-white bipolar rage—the biggest proof of the shift. The suffering was good—dark me to light. This journey is proof that special folks God shapes in pain—me, feels like end times, too much dark evil now; I feel, sense it. No fear after SNAP; evil radar active! My story demonstrates that absolute surrender to Christ brings quiet, focus, and the peace of a life stripped bare and rebuilt with purpose.

The entire reason was the strip job by God to get here. My story is a mandate to deliver hope, testifying that even the deepest chaos is part of a magnificent, deliberate, and loving divine strategy.

Book Proof and the Bigger Picture

As proof in my writings and a bridge to the broader implications, my book shows real anger, sadness, rage-maniac—black-white like my bipolar, biggest proof of shift. After life's best moment, culmination of parts in bits, building from episodes to develop tools, grow closer to God. Suffering why? Firings, flops hurt—knew potential, never used. Bipolar helps get why: one snap, pain out because suffering good—dark me to light. 33-year trip after faith set in school. Job/Revelation: special folks God shapes in pain—me, feels like end times, too much dark evil now; I feel, sense it. One tool/lesson: God favor for those who hurt/suffer. Always natural ability spot dark—now supercharged with divine connectivity. No fear after SNAP; evil radar active! More dark than thought, everywhere—suffocating.

Why late onset bipolar? Attacks allow existential float, closer God each go, new lessons. Current events, revelation prophecy starting: countries burn, martial law, mark of beast—all here. Expected whole life—raised on doomsday movies. Got sidetracked before finishing thoughts—constant redirects. Prayed years to solve, control—got closer each nightmare.